Thursday, December 27, 2007

Friday Trivia

It is hard to believe that tomorrow is Friday. I could get used to these short weeks. Thankfully we have one more to enjoy before 2008....when the next holiday off is Memorial Day. Yuck!

I am really excited to start a new year and am excited to be celebrating its kick off with a NY Eve party at my house. So, being that I am in the party mood, my mind when to party movies. Here is the quote for the week:

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

I beg to differ, with the exception of the fat part...sometimes drunk and stupid sounds more fun than sober and smart. I am just saying that because I have a mini keg of 2 Hearted in my fridge....I'm off.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Jingle F'in Bells

I am officially in a funk. This funk being worst than most because it is decorated with tinsel and twinkle lights and has been drenched in egg nog. Let me just get to the point. I hate Christmas. I have for many years. I’m not really sure when in started, but I have disliked this holiday for most of my adult life. As I was complaining to Mr. Big Momma tonight about my hatred for this holiday and how Thanksgiving really is the best holiday, he reminded me that I did actually enjoy the last few Christmases. Was he still smokin’ crack last year? No, he was right. I had found enjoyment in cutting down the tree, decorating it, shopping and wrapping gifts. But for some reason I can’t seem to get that “ho, ho, ho” feeling back this year. Is it January yet?

Tonight we started decorating our tree. For as many years as I can remember we listen to Harry Connick Jr.’s Christmas CD “When My Heart Finds Christmas” while decorating. It tends to keep the crabby out of the Mister while putting the lights on the tree. Is there some gene on the Y chromosome that causes men to get irritable when lights on a string come into play? I have to say that I do get some enjoyment out of watching Mr. Big Momma get frustrated. He is normally calm, cool and collected. At least there is something that frazzles him! I digress. So, as I was singing along with HC2 I began sweeping up the needles from the tree, cursing gravity and I thought, things could be worse. This thought process was accelerated after a conversation with my sister. She pointed out the many ways that things could be worse (there are other things going on, personally, that are bringing me down, outside of this stupid Christmas thang). I could be the mother of Jamie Lynn Spears, my bladder could fall out of my vagina (I won’t even tell you why this came up), I could have an adjustable rate mortgage. OK, I got it. Enough said. Thanks sis for the pick me up. So, rather than spend the next 6 days crabbing out Christmas, I have decided to come up with a list of things I do like about the holiday. Here goes.

10. The smell of a freshly cut tree in my living room.

9. They way the star at the top of our tree transforms our living room into 2001 Space Odyssey. Tony Manero not included. My mom gave me this tree topper years ago. It is the one that topped our trees as children. We call it the disco ball, for obvious reasons. Pictures to come. It is truly a gem. Last year my mom bought us the modern day version which has electric, flashing lights. I am afraid to put it up for fear that we will have seizures. One tongue being almost bitten off from a seizer, per year, and we have already had ours…

8. Putting the Christmas socks on the dog. We do this every year with a pair of socks (with jingle bells on them) that my mom bought for me years ago. Notice a trend here? See #7 for more on that. Every year we put the socks on the dog’s legs and watch her wobble around until they fall off. We probably need to get out more.

7. My mom. If she was given one wish, she would not waste it on world peace or a $10 bazillion dollars. She would use her wish to become Santa. Not Mrs. Claus, but the big guy. My mom is obsessed with Christmas and has a basement full of Christmas crap to prove it. She even just purchased her own Santa costume...pictures to come on that as well.

6.Spritz cookies. Need I say more? Unfortunately I haven’t gotten around to making mine yet. Damn job.

5. Food, food and more food. No dieting allowed this time of year. What would baby Jesus think?

4. Being around children that still believe in Santa.

3. A Christmas Story. Some of the best movie lines of all time. “I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!” “Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!” “It's a Major Award!” “Deck the halls with boughs of horry, ra ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.” I watch this movie at least 10 times every Christmas.

2. A few days off from work.

And drum roll, please. The best thing about Christmas is Harry Connick Jr. I have been a huge fan of his for many years. His music is rich and calming. I’ve seen him in concert many times over the years and he actually sings. No lip synching! Can you imagine? I love his Christmas CD not just for the music, but for the tradition that listening to it has become in our household. Even better, there is a sketch on Mad TV that you can see this time of year. HC2 was the guest host. He IS funny, but the best part of the show is when he sings a Christmas song, while playing the piano and wearing a wife beater. Welcome to the gun show, baby! I just realized tonight that he has another Xmas CD, “Harry for the Holidays.” Reminds me that I need to shave my legs. Wouldn’t want to be harry for the holidays. I’m sure Mr. Big Momma would agree!


Thursday, December 13, 2007

Stranded at the drive in....

.....branded a fool. What will they say Monday at school?



Actually, I might not even be around on Monday to find out. I am officially stranded in Boston. Here is what I can see outside my hotel window:









OK, Frosty isn't here yet. But only because Delta has cancelled all flights for today. Wicked awesome! Am I getting pay back for my hatred of the Red Sox? Damn you Manny!

Friday, December 7, 2007

Friday trivia is back!

It has been a crazy, long week. One of those weeks that seemed to drag on and on. Mr. Big Momma was in a small car accident last week. He spent most of the week fighting off the chiropractors and repair shops that were calling him. On Wednesday alone, he had 12 people call him. Isn't that disgusting? Do people really agree to appointments with these doctors?

Now lets get down to the business of the day. It has been some time since there was a Friday trivia post. What can I say? I'm a total lazy, uninspired cow! But today, I am back on track, ready to turn over a new leaf. Again, if this is too easy, just reply back with another line from the movie.




"I want to buy eight hot dogs and eight hot dog buns to go with them. But no one sells eight hot dog buns. They only sell twelve hot dog buns. So I end up paying for four buns I don't need. So I am removing the superfluous buns. Yeah. And you want to know why? Because some big-shot over at the wiener company got together with some big-shot over at the bun company and decided to rip off the American public. Because they think the American public is a bunch of trusting nit-wits who will pay for everything they don't need rather than make a stink. Well they're not ripping of this nitwit anymore because I'm not paying for one more thing I don't need."

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Let it snow!

I never much liked winter. Or Christmas for that matter. My cockles did start to warm to the idea of both once we moved into the house we live in now. Can you blame me?






The view definately makes me appreciate the snow more. I don't even mind shoveling it. There is something about the snow that even energizes Sasha. While we were shoveling she ran herself ragged in the yard. When she got tired, she would sniff the snow and sometimes take a bite or two.


The snow and the cold inspired me to make up a pot of soup for supper tonight. Tater and ham. Yummy! Nothing beats sitting in a warm house, laptop and blanket on my lap, working while admiring the view with the smell of tonight's dinner filling the air.


I hear we should enjoy the snow while it lasts. In typical Columbus fashion it will be 50 degrees next week!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Jingle Balls

Well, it is that time of year. Sun hasn't shined for days, everything looks gray and dingy and it is officially cold. At least there is snow coming! If it is going to be cold, there should be snow.

This time of year also bring Christmas shopping. Here is my question to all of you: Is it customary to buy your boss a Christmas gift?

For the last 6 years I had the same boss. For the first 2 years I bought him a Christmas present. I stopped because it was never reciprocated. Ok, I know that the holiday is for giving, but not getting a gift back made be feel like a douche. Plus, the second year I bought him golf balls as he was a fanatic golfer. After he received my gift, he left me a voice message to say thanks. I voice mailed him back and actually said "I am so happy to hear that you like your balls!" Eeew. So now that I have a new boss, I'm back to square one. And, I'd like to keep human resources out of it this time around.

So, do you all purchase gifts for your boss? If so, what types of gifts are you giving? Randy, no ball jokes please, unless of course they are just that funny.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Just eat it

I am mortified that my last post was on November 13. Pathetic. Life has been busy. I was really excited to write and post over the long weekend, but my laptop was down. For some reason I couldn't seem to get my fat butt off the couch and into the den where the working computer was. There is something about my couch that gets the creative juices flowing.

Two weeks ago Mr. Big Momma and I headed down to Orlando (Mistake #1) for a friend's wedding. We decided to make it a long weekend (Mistake #2). It was nice to get away, but I found myself wishing, while in gridlock traffic, that I was anywhere BUT Orlando. We were there for a total of 96 hours and we spent at least 48 of them in traffic. Seriously. Luckily our car time was spent in a Prius. Even in gridlock, we averaged 50 mpg. Not bad. The car has a control panel. Technology rules!



The normal display on the panel showed mpg, power generated, etc. Because I am absolutely the worst picture taker, I don't have one to show you. I really do but it is quite embarrassing. I took 100 pictures in 4 days and a good solid 20 of them are in focus. The coolest display was the above image which showed the rear view while you were backing up. I was excited because I saw this as probably my only opportunity to get on TV. Prius TV still counts, right? I must say that Mr. Big Momma has mad driving skills. We didn't crash once, even though he spent more time watching the panel than the road. Oh wait, there actually was a crash.....After dinner on Saturday night, I was watching the screen while he was backing up and screaming "They are going to hit us" as a clueless van pulled out and hit us. Poor little Prius.


Mr. Big Momma spends a lot of time in Orlando as his firm has an office down there, so he was quite the tour guide. On our first night he took me to High Tide Harry's. Really bad idea to include Harry in the name of your restaurant. Gag. But, how can you go wrong with this




For those of you who are complaining about not being able to read the sign due to my poor photography skills, it says "40 TOP Quality Shrimp, Steamed or Sauteed. $9.99." Mr. Big Momma couldn't pass this up. Luckily he was there on the right day, the ONLY night to visit HTS's, Thursday Pounder night. Here is what he got...

That is a full pound of shrimp, my friends. It also came with a pound of butter, no additional charge.

If you ever find yourself in Orlando, you should definitely pay Harry a visit. They are the self proclaimed provider of "Reel Seafood." How could you go wrong? Plus, it was late and at that point we were reel hungry. Outside of the cheap shrimp, here are a few additional reasons why you should go:

1. Tartar sauce (clearly not cream of tartar you idiots) in a squeeze bottle. Need I say more?



2. PBR on tap. PBR me ASAP. Now I know why they sold souvenir beer cozies. Isn't it a crime in some states to drink warm PBR?

3. I actually heard a man start a conversation with: "I was watching Overhaulin'...."

4. The music. Literally went from Barry White to AC/DC and back again. We even heard Freebird.

5. Cheapest meal in town. $25 tab which included a hefty tip.

6. The food was awesome!

7. The best bathroom sign EVER: In case of nuclear attack, run in the restroom. No one ever hits anything in there. Aaah, just like home.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Pour one out for my dead homie

As if the Buckeye's loss to Illinois wasn't enough.....

I found out this morning that OSU's most famous squirrel, Whitey had been killed on Friday by an Owl on the South Oval. See the story here. Thankfully (?) a student captured the crime with their cell phone camera. Whitey was famous because he was one of very few albino squirrels. I was never lucky enough to see him on campus.

So Whitey, we miss you already.

Here is a picture of Whitey in happier times.


Thursday, November 8, 2007

Friday Trivia

I'm pretty sure that most of you out there would rather read about Friday Trivia rather than my depressing babble. At this point, I totally agree wit ya.

I will give one hint on this one. This line was not spoken in English. It was translated via subtitles. Have at it.


"I love the sea, so beautiful, so mysterious... so full of fish."


Sunday update: Not a single guess? Here is another hint:




Wednesday, November 7, 2007

You Drive me Crazy

When the shit hits the fan, what is a girl to do? Reach for a brewskie, which is exactly what I've done tonight.

I remember telling my sister a few weeks ago that you need to embrace and remember the days that go by without trouble. They seem to be few and far between these days. I suppose that is just life. My BIL has been home for a few weeks and is doing very well. His HOLE (and I mean trach hole, Mom) has left him sounding like Barry White. Dark, deep and silky. Once it heals, he will get his normal voice back, but I have to say that the Barry voice does intrigue me.

With BIL home, I figured that life would be without drama for a while...after all, I think we deserve it. Foolish me for thinking that the karma police would keep the crap away.

As you already know, Mr. Big Momma was originally someone else's Mr. Big Momma. They divorced many years ago (before I got involved with him, of course) but not before having a child. Jr. is a great kid and I am so lucky to have him in my life. But this life is not without drama. I suppose that it is impossible to avoid drama when you have a baby momma in your life.

Mr. Big Momma called me yesterday and told me that the baby momma wants to home school Jr. Now let me tell you that BM is an idiot, borderline retarded, at least as far as I'm concerned. I know what you are thinking....new wife, bitter of her hubby's ex. So not true. Maybe I'll explain more about this in a future post. But I will tell you the same story that I tell everyone who finds out that my hubby had a child with another woman and asks me how the relationship works. This is the story that sums it up best. Unfortunately there are many other sad stories to tell about her, her relationship (or lack there of) with Mr. Big Momma and her relationship (or lack there of) with Jr. Brace yourself, this is a doosy (sp? remember, I have already had 2 beers, enough to make me an idiot). When Jr. was younger and the baby momma wanted to communicate something to Mr. Big Momma, SHE WOULD TAPE A NOTE ON JR'S BACK. This is a true story, I have witnesses. As hard as this is to believe, it is TRUE. She is a witch who uses every opportunity to get back at Mr. Big Momma via Jr.

I hope everyone out there can understand how frustrated I was to learn that Jr.'s education would now be in the hands of an idiot. It frustrates me enough that his current science teacher can't teach her way out of a paper bag. You science geeks out there would be shocked to see her notes on cellular respiration. Ugh! I spend about an hour on Monday trying to explain this topic to Jr. who was totally confused. I got why. Her notes confused me!

Tonight I had Jr. all to myself due to Mr. Big Momma's work situation. These situations do not come up often. He is a devoted father who would cut off his dick, if he had to, in order to see his son. We talked about the home schooling situation after dinner and boy did I get an earful. Here is a quick summary of what I learned:

1. Baby momma tells Jr. that she wants nothing to do with Mr. Big Momma. She does not want to commincate with him at all.
2. Jr. feels that he can't tell Mr. Big Momma the reality of his life at the other house. He doesn't want to upset his father with the details of his life there.
3. Jr. feels that no one at baby momma's house cares about him, especially baby momma and Mr. Baby Momma.
4. Jr. is pissed that baby momma doesn't want to go to school events because Mr. Big Momma will be present.
5. He is also pissed about the fact that baby momma tells him that she will make 100% of the decisions and refuses to involve Mr. Big Momma.
6. He doesn't understand why baby momma hates me so much and why she won't let him call me Mom. The reality is he has called me Mom for years. Probably about 7 years. Jr. actually made me a card on my birthday way back when which said that his present to me was to call me Mom. He actually asked me if this was ok. Of course I cried like a little bitch. Prior to being called Mom, he called me "His/My Big Momma" which I loved. I wouldn't care if he called me Darth Vader. We have been lucky and have always shared a special relationship. If he never called me Mom, I would have been OK with that. Titles have never been important to me.
7. Jr. is going to a therapist with baby momma and Mr. Baby Momma. He told me that the only way therapy would work was to have the 5 of us attend. Agreed.

I could continue on writing this list until tomorrow morning. This kid totally spilled his guts to me. I know how hard it is to have divorced parents and knew that he was struggling with it, but I had no idea of the extent of the damage. His own mother is creating major drama in his life. So much drama that he doesn't know which way is up.

I will do WHATEVER it takes to make things better for him. I am committed to doing that. I have been committed to this kid from day one. I would have never married his father if I wasn't. My heart is breaking as I think of what a long road this is going to be. Any advice or insight would be helpful.

My sister told me yesterday that she is willing to wage her own war against baby momma. She said that she was willing to egg her house, egg her car, TP her yard, prank call her, run her over, you get the idea. Could you ask for a better sister? The support is greatly needed, so thanks Poop! Yes, my sister's nickname is Poop....I'll save the explanation for another day. My 'family' nickname was Bertha Butt. This was way before anyone new about J. Lo, so I think I am the original.

On a more positive note, one of my very best friends has started her own blog. She actually posted that my blog was her inspiration. Shocking isn't it? She must be just as insane as I am. Probably explains why we are such good friends. I will say though, that having a blog is one of the most therapeutic things. So thank you to all of you out there. I really appreciate your support.

Jr. could after all, be worse off. His last name could be Spears. It is my nature to always find the silver lining.

p.s. I apologize for my drunken writing. Need to get some sleep.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Friday, I'm in love!

Actual voice mail from Mr. Big Momma, 1:42PM today:

"Hi honey. Just wanted to give you a call and make sure that you haven't been chopped up into little pieces. Love ya."

ADT came by this morning to change out some parts in our alarm system. I was working at home, so it was just me and the technician.

I'm wondering......


.....if I hadn't called him right back, how long would he have waited to come home or call the police?

After 9 years of marriage, it really is these little tokens that keep me going! I do think though, that this chainsaw obsession has gone a bit too far!

p.s. that is NOT a picture of Mr. Big Momma.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Friday Trivia

Well, I had the perfect post worked out on my way home from a work happy hour, but it is now lost. When will I learn to carry a pad of paper with me? Probably never.

I decided before happy hour that when I got home, I would not pick up work. Yeah! Tomorrow is Friday and I've got an office day scheduled. Work can wait until then. Mr. Big Momma is out with his boss, so I've got the pad to myself. Perfect opportunity to catch up with some friends and with writing. I had a nice chat with my sister and then with another friend, who I won't name here. She has been going through some shitty shit and found a backstabbing friend topping her shit heap. I'm going to leave out the details so that I can get to my point and to Friday Trivia. Why do so called friends persecute one another? Even outside of being friends, why does one person feel the need to make another miserable? I often wonder this about Mr. Big Momma's ex-wife. They split up years ago, long before I entered the picture. After all of the years that have passed, she still takes every opportunity to try and make his life miserable. You think I would be used to it, but I'm not. But, an ex is an ex for a reason and the dynamic between the two is often hostile. If it wasn't then they probably wouldn't be exes. But why does the dynamic between two supposed friends have to be hostile? No one is holding a gun to your head, forcing you to be friends. I think all of us can look back on their lives and count dozens of people that they are no longer friends with. It just happens. It is even more interesting to think that when two lovers don't feel the love anymore, they break up. Granted, they probably tortured one another for some time, prior to the break up. But, eventually, they broke up and moved on. Why does friendship have to be any different? When two friends go in different directions or have different ideas about how to treat one another, they should just break up and move on instead of sticking around and making each other miserable. Whew, I feel so much better now, thank you very much. I'm guessing this friendship dilemma is exclusive to us XXs and not to the XYs. It would be so much easier to be a guy: less drama, no leg shaving, no PMS and they get better looking with age. Damn!
So on to Friday trivia. I've posted this in spirit of the upcoming weekend. Mr. Big Momma and I are going to a furniture sale in Cinci on Saturday and then having dinner with the family. I am so excited for both. Not much makes me feel as good as furniture shopping, even if we don't buy anything. Mr. Big Momma, I'll make you a deal. Buy me one of these




and you can buy one of these

But then you might turn into this




Oh, behave! It is bad enough you chase me around with the leaf blower. Chasing me with a chainsaw???? Forget about it.

Totally not worth the chair.

Wow, a night free of work and look what you get! So, Friday trivia, in honor of a fun weekend.....


"We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our Goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling Zip-a-dee-doo-da out of your assholes! I've got to be crazy!"

Can you guess the movie?

Monday, October 29, 2007

I hope the Colorado Rockies beat the Bostini Red Socks Cream Pie, Daring Bakers Challenge II


OK, so my title dosen’t really work anymore, but I thought I would leave it. I wrote up my second Daring Baker challenge this weekend, when the Colorado Rockies still had a chance. I have decided to leave this title because I am still bitter that the Red Sox knocked out the Tribe! I grew up in a suburb of Cleveland and have been a long time Tribe fan.

This is my second month as a Daring Baker and our challenge was to make a Bostini Cream pie. Here is a recap of the experience…..

Mistake #1: I sat down to review this month’s challenge and make my grocery list. I wrote down “cream of tartar” and didn’t think much about it. Until I got to the grocery store. It was at that moment that I realized I had no fargin clue was COT was. I thought about using a life line and calling someone, but figured that wandering the grocery store, trying to figure it out myself would be a better idea. So, after navigating the isles and the annoying mid-day shoppers, I decided that COT was probably tartar sauce. It was creamy and I felt that tartar was close enough to tar-tar, right?? WRONG. Before adding the impostor COT to my egg whites, I figured I would at least do a quick internet check. I realized that the two were not even close to being the same thing. Why didn’t they just tell me that COT is potassium hydrogen tartrate? That I get. Science truly is the international language. To my more sophisticated Daring Bakers, please don’t hold this confession against me. This is my first experience baking with COT! I swear, I have learned my lesson.

Mistake #2: The Daring Baker group has two blogs: one that is visible by everyone and one that is only visible to its members. The member only site has questions, tips and posts of the finished challenge. Very useful information that is helpful to look at BEFORE you begin the challenge. When I made the custard part of this recipe, I put it into star shaped molds. After several hours in the fridge, the custard didn’t firm up. After looking at the blog I realized that many others had this problem. I couldn’t redo because I was out of whole milk (Jr. finished the rest with dinner as a special treat….did you realize that a serving of whole milk has 16 grams of fat and 22 grams of sugar? Yuck!). So I just modified how I put it all together. I’ve got the rest of the cups in the fridge and am hoping for an overnight miracle.

This was a fun recipe to make and didn’t take as long as I thought it would. It did take me a little longer because I had to go back out to the store for some cream of tartar…… OK, I’ll stop complaining about my stupidity.

I am one of those weird people that only likes to taste orange flavor in an actual orange or in orange juice. Anything flavored with orange grosses me out. The cake part of this was flavored with orange. Next time I make it I will substitute strawberry. The guys ate this for dessert tonight and they both really liked it. Jr. gave it an 8/10, Mr. Big Momma gave it a 7/10. Although the custard didn’t firm up, it was delicious. The cake portion was spongy and moist.

You can visit http://daringbakersblogroll.blogspot.com/ and see the blog roll of the other Daring Bakers. It is really amazing what some of these talented people can do!!!

P.S. I made the challenge on Saturday. Today is Monday and my custard has STILL not firmed up. Oh well. It was still a blast making this and I couldn’t be more excited about being part of the Daring Bakers!!!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Game day

The three of us have a one track mind, especially on game day. Here is something that Jr. did. I've always hoped that he would go to Northwestern, but I would be secretly OK if he went to Ohio State. I guess the guys would rather do just about anything over blowing and raking leaves.

Jr. was excited to use the leaf blower, at least until he realize he was actually doing work. I was working on my Daring Baker challenge while they worked outside. I did get outside for a few pictures....


Go Bucks!!!!

Friday, October 26, 2007

10 Things

A new friend of mine sent out one of those emails that lists questions that have been answered by the person who forwarded it on. The recipient of the message is to read what the sender wrote, delete this person’s answers, write in their own and forward on. I will admit that I am one of those people who enjoy these emails as I love learning obscure facts about the people in my life. So, here are 10 things that you probably didn’t know about me.

1. I have never eaten a PB&J sandwich. I took a bite once. When I first started dating Mr. Big Momma, he didn’t believe me. He made me take the bite, but I can’t say I was impressed. The PB&J he made was on rye bread and I hate rye bread. I will never go back for another bite.

2. My dream job, meaning dream job that is never going to happen is to be a Formula One driver. Many years ago Mr. Big Momma bought tickets for the Indy race and dragged me along. I have been hooked ever since.

3. I am deathly afraid of birds. I think maybe I saw The Birds a few too many times. But I have to say that I really feel like birds are after me, and want to peck my eyes out. Several years ago I came home to find a bird in our house. It had fallen into the chimney. Mr. Big Momma was out of town, so I called my sister and left her a message saying she needed to come over immediately as I had a wildlife emergency. She still makes fun of me for this. Can’t say I blame her. Last summer Mr. Big Momma and I were in Millennium Park, walking through the gardens when a bird swooped down and tried to attack him. I took off running and screaming bloody murder. Luckily I made it out of MP without a straight jacket on.

4. I have eaten the same breakfast every day for the last 6 years: Slimfast meal replacement bars, cookie dough flavor. A few weeks ago they were on sale at Target so I bought all of the boxes that were on the shelf. The teenage cashier asked if they were for me. He looked me up and down and said, and I quote, “Baby, you don’t need no slimfast bars.” I weep for the youth of today.

5. During the winter when I have on long sleeves, I always have a tissue up my sleeve, just like an old lady. In fact, there are a lot of things I do like an old lady. I think I was born an old lady.

6. I am a self proclaimed trivia expert in one category. Self proclaimed because there is no way to test this because no one, other than maybe my sister cares. It is not something I am very proud of. I know everything there is to know about Beverly Hills 90210. I have seen every episode of all 10 seasons countless times. It is still my guilty pleasure.

7. Growing up, I wished that Scott Baio was my big brother. I wanted a big brother more than anything and I was a huge Happy Days fan. After watching his reality show, I realized that he is a total douche bag and I really was better off without him.

8. I was kicked out of Catholic High School because of my haircut. I was a death chick and I had shaved the back side of my head and grew my bangs until they were really long. All pictures of this time period have been destroyed by me.

9. Although I grew up Catholic, and my uncle is a priest, I am not Catholic. In fact I have been without religion for many years.

10. I am not a Big Momma. Really, I am just a normal sized woman. So why the blog name Clintonville Big Momma? My family gave me this nickname a few years ago. Did you ever see the movie Soul Food? The matriarch of the family in this movie was called Big Momma. She loved having her family over for Sunday dinner and would cook enormous quantities of food. I love nothing more than having people over and cooking/baking for them. I am guilty of cooking 10 times more food than needed. I’ve always wondered if there is a gene that causes this as everyone in my family does the same thing.

So here you have it, 10 things that you probably didn’t know about me. To those of you who know me, I’m interested to know if there is something listed that you didn’t know about me. Let me know in the comments section!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Friday trivia, yo.

Am I the only one who thinks that the world series is going gay? And no, I'm not just bitter because Cleveland is out. Mr. Big Momma and I are watching game 2 right now. A few innings ago as a batter stepped up to the plate, they had a graphic below him stating that he likes The Dave Matthews Band and The Barenaked Ladies. Like I care. Does he also like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain? A few minutes ago they had showed side by side pictures of two players with goatees and asked "Who has the better goatee?" Again, who cares? This is baseball. A sport where there is supposedly no crying. A sport where spitting is ok. Can we man it up a little guys, please!

Anyway, back to Friday trivia. I am going to present Friday trivia in the form of a conversation. This was an actual conversation that took place between me and Mr. Big Momma on Sunday.

Imagine CBM on the couch watching TV. A Chevy Malibu commercial comes on....

CBM: "Can you believe that a Chevy Malibu costs $19,900??? Holy crap."
Mr. CBM: "I would never buy a car that I could get dissed in. "
CBM: "I totally agree with you honey."
CBM and Mr. CBM singing in unison: "Joe lies.... "

Name that movie. Monique, you are not allow to post the answer. You must post another line from the movie. There are many tasty ones to pick from. This should be an easy one for you.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Honey, can I get a chainsaw?

Ask me again, I'll tell you the same...NO. Hell to the no. Over my dead body. Every fall my husband asks me, countless times, if he can get a chainsaw. Maybe because I have two X chromosomes, I don't understand the obsession.

Today we went to Como mower. Each fall we not only have the chainsaw discussion, but we also have a leaf pick up discussion. You wouldn't believe me if I told you how many bags of leaves are removed from our property every year. Dave, maybe we could have a contest? If you don’t know Dave, you should click here. Our leaf excess is due to these….


And these….

But most of all because of this one….

This is the mother of all trees. It is beautiful, but it drops millions of these

And those are just the trees in the front yard.

In the early morning hours this past Friday, my car alarm went off because it was being pelted by acorns. Because, during the slightest breeze the acorns fall like rain. We are forced to protect our melons when sitting outside in front of the fire by wearing hardhats or our bike helmets. You would think that we couldn't get friends to visit this time of year. Strangely, they seem to want to sit outside with a bike helmet on..... Speaks volumes about our friends...

So, back to Como Mower. Mr. Big Momma didn’t get a chainsaw, but got a leaf blower. Not just any leaf blower. It is a leaf blower that has straps. Like a backpack. It almost blew the dog over. It almost blew me over. I strapped it on and was surprised to find that the expelled air from the side of the unit was enough to make me walk like I would after many beers. Seriously.




Manly, isn't it?

Last year the leaves were my job. It took me about 30 seconds each week. Basically the time it took to write a check. The guy that I hired had two payment options: per bag or per hour. I chose per hour. I think that he realized, quite quickly, that he should have offered me the per bag option only. The last bill we received was per bag and I choked when I got it. I paid it, without questioning it because I felt a little bad about paying him so little for such a big job. This year the leaves are Mr. Big Momma’s job mainly because he doesn’t want to hire anyone. I told him that if the “job” couldn’t be done in 30 seconds or less, that I wasn’t interested.

Happy Blowing honey!! Anyone know a good chiropractor???

Monday, October 15, 2007

Tough decisions

From a very early age I was challenged by my parents to make my own decisions. I remember my parents empowering me to decide for myself as early as 7 years old. For all I know, they empowered me earlier than that, but I just don't remember. My Dad always told me to make a list, weighing the pros and cons. This advise has always served me well, and I have done this many times in the last 30 years. For a control freak like myself, nothing feels better than starting with a clean sheet of paper and drawing a line down the middle. One side for pros, the other for cons. I would rack my brain for items to write on each side of the page. At the end of the process, it was always easy to make the decision. The answer was right in front of me.

I am not sure at this point that this process will work for every decision. Today my sister was faced with a difficult decision. A decision that is too important to surrender to this process. This was a difficult decision made more difficult by the fact that she had to make it for herself, by herself.

My sister and I have always felt that parenting decisions could be made based on the answer to a single question: What would the Cos do? And when I say Cos, I really mean Dr. Cliff Huxtable. Those crazy Huxtables always had a fun (and rating increasing) way of guiding their children to the correct choice. Do you remember the episode of all episodes? Theo entering the real world, working as a model for Cockroach Enterprises? Renting an apartment from Harvey Weewax? I probably remember too much, but it really is the mother of all episodes. I have it saved on DVR. Sad but true. The beauty of the Huxtable lessons were that they were taught and learned in a single, 30 minute episode. Unfortunately real life isn't that succinct. Or that cut and dry. Or that funny.

Unfortunately there is not a single episode of The Cosby Show that addresses my sister's dilemma. Her decision isn't a parenting decision, but a decision to be made about her husband's health. A decision that unfortunately can only be made by her. I just want her to know that I am behind her 100% and believe that she is making the right choice. So, I am curious to know how you all out there make difficult choices? We could use the insight right now.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Writing for therapy purposes

Everywhere I turn lately, I see sadness and grief. I was walking up the stairwell in the Chemistry building at Wright State the other day. I could hear a human noise, which I first took for laughter. As I got closer, I realized it was crying. Hysterical crying. As I came up the steps I saw a young girl on her cell phone. She had her back up against the wall and wailed as she slid down the wall until she was sitting. Earlier today I had to take Snoop Doggy Dog to the vet to have her foot bandage changed. As I waited in the lobby an older women came out of one of the exam rooms without her pet in tow. She had a wad of tissues crumpled in her hand which she would use to wipe the tears from her eyes as she paid for the services rendered. I can see the sadness in the eyes of the families that sit waiting, in the ICU lobby. But, the more I looked at these families, I started to see more than sadness. I saw hope. It was always there, I just didn't notice it. It is everywhere, really, if you look for it. Because my B.I.L. is in ICU, we can only see him during visiting hours. During the first hour this morning, he winked at my sister. He treated us to several thumbs ups during our next two visits. He has been finding other creative ways to communicate with us since he has a breathing tube in his mouth and has no other choice. We now know what two fingers mean, right L? Hope, hope, hope and hope. Right in our faces. Things are getting better, but there are getting better so slowly that it is hard to notice the changes. So, we have no choice but to look at the small steps of progress that have been taken this week. At least they have been forward moving steps.

Today was a very long day, followed by a very long week. I knew I would have the house to myself tonight as the guys signed up to be in a golf tourney. I guess they use glow in the dark balls, weird, right? So I did what any self respecting 34 year old woman would do. No, I didn't drink heavily. Thought about it, but didn't. I cranked the stereo and had a one woman dance party while I cleaned the house. It felt so good to jump around, wiggle my hips and poorly sing along to my favorite songs. I gave the concert of my lifetime. I forgot how powerful music can be. Isn't it weird how you can find meaning in so many different songs? How a song's meaning can change, depending on the mood you are in. The extra bonus to all of this is that my house is clean!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Quick thought

We really need to appreciate the days in our lives that come and go, without major problems. Because when there are problems, they seem to linger and it becomes tough to feel hopeful.

I have been complaining the last week or so about the ups and downs of my life. I had no idea what was coming for us....

My dear, sweet brother in law is waiting for a kidney transplant. It is scheduled for early 2008. His best friend is a match and has decided to gift his kidney to my B.I.L. Can you imagine being that generous? This friend and his wife are having their baby tomorrow. Even more amazing, right?

Friday night I got a call from my sister asking me to meet her at the hospital. She found her husband on the couch, blood all over and unable to speak or reason with her. He has been in ICU ever since. Things are turning around, but we are still unsure as to what happened. My sister is coming to terms with the fact that she might not EVER know what happened. I am giving you a condensed version of this story because it is difficult and upsetting to rehash.

My point? When life is going well, take the time to enjoy it. When you find yourself about to complain about something minor, don't. Be good to your friends and family. Also, if you are not an organ donor, become one today. Visit this site to do so: http://www.donatelifeohio.org/.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Friday Trivia

Well things are calming down here, thankfully. Mr. Big Momma's car is fixed so I can retire my shuttle service for now. Sasha is doing well, although she won't put her paw down onto the ground. She is moving really fast and hopping at the same time. It is quite something to see! Luckily she isn't moving much. She did decide to get onto the couch last night...by jumping over the back of it. Go figure.

For the last few years I have been whining about not being able to find a book club to join. I have finally found one that will have me and we are meeting for the first time in two weeks. The book is "Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen. I purchased it sometime in early August and didn't pick it up until this weekend. I ready the Prologue but wasn't feeling it. So I put it down. Panic set in....how could I not read the first book for this new book club? I figured I probably would get kicked out. Way to go Big Momma. But last night I decided to give it another chance. I am so glad that I did. I couldn't put it down. I'm hoping to have it finished before the end of the weekend.

Anyway, here is the movie quote for the week:

"I have a head for business and a body for sin."

This is from a movie that was made in the 80s, but I didn't see it until a few years ago. With all its big hair, blue eyeshadow and shoulder pads, how could you go wrong?

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

She's chillin, she's illin.

This is my dog, Sasha:

This is Sasha on drugs:




Any questions?
Well, Miss Sasha made it through the surgery. I dropped her off at 8am as surgery was scheduled for 9:30am. I got a call from the vet at 10am saying she was ready to be picked up. She woke up immediately after the surgery, and in typical Sasha fashion, was trying to claw her way out of the cage. So, the vet felt she would be better recovering at home. This was better for me too! It is so weird to be home when your dog isn't. I caught myself several times looking for her.
When she was brought into the exam room, she seemed like her normal self. Not as groggy as I thought she would be. However, she bumped into a few walls on the way out. Aaah, gotta love those doggie drugs.
The vet cut open the mass and said that it was mainly fibrous tissue, so cancer is unlikely. They are sending it out for a biopsy, just to be safe.
She is still adjusting to the bandage on her foot. Sometimes she walks on it and other times she hops so she doesn't have to step on it. Sasha is weird about her feet. She hates to have them touched. Maybe I'll post some video later.
So, thanks to my heavy metal groomer for noticing the mass. Thanks to Dr. Nicol at Beechwold Vet Hospital for taking care of my girl! I think Sasha would like to thank us for paying the bill!







Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Big Momma's Buns Part 2: Electric Boogaloo




I decided to bake the cinnamon buns from September's Daring Bakers challenge again. Mine were good, but they didn't look enough like the spiral rolls that they should have been. I had some trouble with the first batch of dough...it was too sticky. This made them difficult to roll up. As you can see, batch 2 turned out much better. Tasted better as well.
The other reason I decide to bake was because baking makes me feel better. I had a crappy day yesterday. You know, one of those days where you feel like the world is against you. I feel like we are having a run of bad luck. Here is why:
1. Mr. Big Momma's car is in the shop again. It was in for 3 days last week. Now it is requiring $1000 in repairs. The thought of having to buy a new car make me want to vomit.
2. Pappy's father is still in the hospital. It seemed like he was getting better....
3. Sasha went to the Heavy Metal groomer yesterday where they found a bump on her paw.
4. I am worried that Jr. isn't giving his all in school.
But, things started to get better once I began baking. Why you ask?
1. Jr. was at our house last night. Golf season is over so we were able to sit down and have dinner together.
2. I was able to bake because my workload has decreased a bit. Only temporary, but I'll take it!
3. My favorite show is on Monday night. Top Gear, 8pm on BBC America. You should check it out. Not only do you get to see fast cars, but it is hilarious!!
4. Jenson Button, a Formaula One driver was the celebrity guest on Top Gear. That leads me to believe he is not THE STIG. Good thing, because in my mind the stig is Michael Schumacher.
5. Mr. Big Momma was cracking me up with his accents. Last night he was working on his Irish accent. He really should scrap the architecture thing for a career in voice overs.
So, I felt like things were on the up and up. Until about 9am this morning. I took Sasha to the vet so they could look at her lump. They do not think it is cancer, but they are going to remove it tomorrow. They are assuring me that her age (10) shouldn't be a problem in putting her under. She will come home tomorrow night, thankfully. They are going to put a brace on her paw to immobilize it for a few weeks. I'm sure that will go over well. Hopefully she won't need one of those head cones. My poor little poochie.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Big Momma's Buns

OK now, get your mind out of the gutter. I don't mean those buns, I mean these buns ---->


















I have joined a group called Daring Bakers. Each month the DBers send out a baking challenge. Everyone involved must bake the recipe as is, with only the preapproved substitutions. Then we all post the results on our blogs as well as the DB blog which is super duper top secret.




That's right folks, Members Only!

September's challenge was cinnamon rolls. They turned out quite good and they were very easy. I was hoping for a challenge but then realized it was probably better that my first attempt wasn't something too complicated. If you would like a recipe or a dozen, just let me know. For more information on Daring Bakers and to see the blog roll, please click here visit http://daringbakersblogroll.blogspot.com/.

If you would like the recipe, you can find it at my new friend Pip in the City's blog at http://pipinthecity.wordpress.com/.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Recycled trivia

Being an environmentally minded person (and a bit lazy and tired from the week), I have decided to recycle last Friday's trivia post. I picked another line from the same movie. It is actually my favorite line, but I didn't post it last week because I thought it was too easy. Have at it.

"A fat lady barfed in her purse. The Donnelley twins barfed on each other, and the Women's Auxiliary barfed all over the Benevolent Order of Antelopes."

Happy Friday everyone and Go Bucks!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump...

Whatever that means? Perhaps a sexual reference? I am a bit naive when it comes to these things. There was a song a few years ago...went a little something like this..."baby when we're grinding, I get so excited....Step back you're dancing kinda close I feel a little poke coming through...On you." It was an R&Bish song. Remember it? I had no idea it was about sex. I was shocked when I realized what the poke was. Whenever I hear the Frankie Goes to Hollywood Song ("Relax, don't do it.") I am shocked that I knew and sang the words to this song as a young girl and I had ABSOLUTELY no clue what it was about. I'm sure my parents didn't get it either because they never would have let me listen to it. Although I did find a copy of the single "When I Think About You/I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls in my mom's glove box once when I borrowed her car when I was in college. I guess divorce will do that to you. My male friend B was in the car with me when I found it. His crush on my mom deepened and I'm sure that there was some "poking" going on. Not that I saw it. I was driving, remember? He so wanted my mom to be his cougar.

So, why the title? Today is hump day. Only two more days until Friday! I am looking at another weekend catching up on work, but at least I can work on the couch with my pajamas on. Enjoy the rest of the week folks!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Mr. and Mrs. Clintonville Big Momma, Nine years and still going strong

Yesterday was our 9th wedding anniversary. I was out of town for work, so there was no celebration. A fellow coworker was on campus with me yesterday and I told him that it was our anniversary while we were eating lunch. His first comment was, "Go home. You should celebrate with your man!" Agreed. Anniversaries deserve to be celebrated, especially in a world of two minute marriages. But, I truly feel that this occasion shouldn't be only celebrated one day a year. When you have that right person in your life, you should celebrate that every day. Marriage is work, but it is work that comes with rewards. Those rewards should be cherished. OK, I'm bordering on being cheesy, so I'll stop.

I am a product of divorced parents. My parents divorced during my freshman year of college. It was quite a difficult period for me, but really more difficult for my sister who is six years younger. She lived at home and had to deal with the reality of our parent's divorce every day. Because I experienced a happy home life for so many years, their divorce crippled me in many ways. Unfortunately I didn't realize this until years later. I was convinced, for many years, that I would never marry. I thought that marriage was a joke and felt that it was a bond that was too easy to break. But, I met the right guy and all of that changed. Thankfully, otherwise I would have missed out. I came to realize that the right marriage can empower you, make you a better person. It has challenged me in many ways over the years, and I have learned a lot. I still don't understand why when my husband gets a glass out of the cabinet he doesn't shut the door, but the reality is that it is a lot easier to just shut it than to worry about it or question it. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff. That is probably the biggest thing I have learned from my husband. He is Mr. Laid Back, Mr. No Worries. And I don't mean that in a reckless sense. I have always been Mrs. Psycho Path, Mrs. High Strung. A natural born worry-wart. I have learned that I can't change who I am, but that I can learn from those who do better than I do.

So I guess what I am trying to say is, yeah us for being able to pulling this off for nine years. After nine years we are still in love and like one another. My man totally gets me, and I appreciate that. So, Mr. Big Momma, maybe we can get our celebration on this weekend, during Jr.'s golf outing, grocery shopping, etc. It is those everyday moments in life that are the most special. Cheers to us for the last nine years and cheers to the years to come. It will be interesting to see what the future bring. I am sure that it will be great!

Friday movie trivia

Lima, Ohio must be the Halloween Capital of THE WORLD. Driving around the last two days, I have seen countless signs for haunted houses, haunted field walks and even a haunted trailor. If only I had more time here...

So, Halloween has me thinking about candy, which leads me to Friday's movie quote:

" If I could only have one food to eat for the rest of my life? That's easy. Pez. Cherry flavor Pez. No question about it."

I prefer Orange, in case you were wondering.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Friday Trivia

I have to tell you that I had a great day yesterday. My husband called to tell me that the team I hate most in Formula One (and the team that is beating my beloved Ferrari this season) had been fined $ 100 MILLION DOLLARS. Oh, Behave! They have also been stripped of their championship points. Yeah!! As long as Ferrari scores 6 more points in tomorrow’s race than the third place team, they will have clinched the championship. If only The Great One was still around to enjoy another championship. Can you believe that they were fined that much? Sick money. The reason this team was fined was because they stole information from the Ferrari team that greatly improved their cars. Like I always say, cheaters never win. I also had a great day at work yesterday. After I left campus, I turned the radio up and had a Jerry Maguire moment, jamming and celebrating the success of the day. It really was just like that except for the fact that I was jamming to Copacabana instead of Free falling. Oh well. I really am getting old. Thursday night I was watching a special about The Ohio State Band (yes, it was on WOSU) and I found myself wishing aloud that I had been a member during my days there. I asked my husband if the band was now cool or I was just getting old. I think you can guess what he said…. OK, so maybe I wouldn’t have wanted to play an instrument. I would have wanted to be the baton twirler. The drum major? Is that what they call that person? I’m also sure I would have made an excellent Brutus! If only I could go back in time.

Anyhoo, on to the movie quote of the day. Hopefully I have convinced you not to cheat!


“I think all you need is a small taste of success, and you will find it suits you.”

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

All aboard the Crazy Train

This morning I woke up and didn't feel quite right. I barely slept, so I figured that was the reason. As the day continued, so did my illin'. I feel exhausted (beyond sleep deprivation), my skin is itchy (yes, I showered today) and my eyes feel like they have fiberglass in them. So I decided to consult the internet. I typed in "symptoms, tired, itchy skin, itchy eyes." It is now possible that I have one of the following:

1. Hyperthyroidism. Unlikely since another key symptom is weight loss.
2. Vasculitis
3. Hepatitis
4. Sarcoidosis
5. Lyme disease
6. Pregnancy...impossible!
7. Reaction due to military anthrax vaccine.
8. Fybromyalgia

And I only read through 2 of the many, many pages that were listed. Of course now I have myself convinced that I have a cough. The internet is a dangerous thing. Damn you, Al Gore!

Hopefully the suckage will continue....


Monday, September 10, 2007

Quickie post

Well, the official start of fall is here, at least for someone who works in college publishing. Sadly, I'm congratulating myself for finishing at 9:45. My goal was 9, but give me a break, I'm rusty.

I have to say though, that it feels great to be back on campus. Most of the faculty are energized and excited to be back as well.

I want a cig right now so badly. What is wrong with my brain that associates cigs and work?

One quick thought. Tonight my husband was taking measurements in my office so that he can install some shelving units and make me a desk (the card table I have been using for the last 6 years is begging to retire). He probably took 10 measurements but didn't write a single one down. Supergenius? Or is this just a man thang?

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Ooops..she did it again....

For once in my life, I might be speechless.

Monique and I (sadly) left tennis early tonight so that we could both be home to watch the MTV VMAs. The reason? We wanted to see the comeback performance of Britney Spears. Certainly she had planned the perfomance of her career. We figured we would be dazzled by her dance moves and singing....er, lip syncing. Most importantly, we rushed home wondering, how would Britney shock us this time? Tongue kiss Madonna? Old news. Strip down to a barely there outfit? Been there. Have a snake for a dance partner? Done that. What could she possible do next? It had to be big as this was touted as her comeback performance. I personally was hoping for K-Fed cameo/rap, but no dice. That would have been better than what really happened.

So, for those of you who did not tune in, here is a synopsis of what you missed, in list form, organized by when noticed. (I looked on you tube, hoping to be able to post her performance here, but it wasn't there yet...certainly it will be tomorrow).

1. Boy has she gained a lot of weight. I do remember seeing her on the cover of a tabloid in the grocery store. It appeared that she had quite a bit of cellulite. But, it was the Enquirer, so I figured it wasn't true. Now tonight, I didn't see cellulite, I just saw some flabby thighs and stomach. She was wearing a rather small bikini, so it was difficult to miss them. I certainly think that women experience too much pressure about how much they weight. I know I do. However, I expect my rock stars (can I call her that?) to be fit. If they are not fit, then they should learn to dress to cover up the sore spots like most real women have learned to do. It is sad that she doesn't have that friend who could have told her how inappropriate the outfit was.

2. She was lip synching. No real news here. This is typical for her. Has anyone ever heard her sing?

3. She looked fat. I know I mentioned this already, but I was so taken back by how chunky she looked. I shouldn't be so hard on her.

4. She was wobbly. My husband and 1-L both agree that she looked like she almost fell over a few times.

5. Being wobbly leads me to my fifth point, that she was seriously drugged out of her mind. The rehab stint clearly didn't stick. Britney, we are begging you, please go back!

6. Her new song sucks.

7. The dance moves sucked as well. This is why I am so disturbed by #2.

8. She seemed to not care at all. There was no passion in her moves. She was just going through the motions. Has she given up?

For your own good Britney, I am staging an intervention. Here is what I would like to say to you.

Britney,

Your behavior has hurt me in the following ways:

I no longer can count on you for catchy yet cheesy songs. My inner 13 year old girl is dying thanks to you. You have broken the spirit of at least two other people that I know. Our lives will never be the same. It pains me to think of how your Mother feels about all of this. What have you done to her little girl?

In order for me to keep you in my life, you are going to have to go back to rehab. Following rehab, I'm hoping that you will return to the BFE town that you grew up in and raise your sons there. Your momma will be there to help you, but you can always call Demi Moore with questions. Eventually the paparazzi will get bored with you, just like I have. From there you can live a normal life where no one will care about how much you weigh or what you are wearing. I know that this sounds boring to you, but trust me, it is for the best. It is also reality for 99% of people on earth.

I will no longer be cheering on your comeback if you continue to do these things and don't accept my help. I will no longer wish evil things to happen to K-Fed. I will no longer wish that you will reconcile with Justin. I will no longer wish for the media to leave you along. Don't just be a baby momma...be a real mom to those boys. They need you now and they are going to need you even more once they realize who you are and what you have done with your life. Be a role model for them.

So please, Britney, accept this offer of help.

Sincerely,
Clintonville Big Momma

I really had planned about blogging about the baby shower I attended today. But thanks to Britney, you didn't have to hear about onesies, pack and plays and a room full of women oohing and aahing at everything. It always amazes me how little I know about babies....thankfully!

Friday, September 7, 2007

OH-

Tomorrow morning we will be heading to campus to join 100,000 of our closest friends. We were lucky enough to score football tickets for tomorrows game. Thanks 1-L and N!! Hubby and I will COTA it down tomorrow and meet up with the Geriatric Aces for some pre-game beverages. It will be interesting to see if I can gag down a beer at 10am. I have never been much of a morning drinker. Never been a kegs and eggs kind of girl.

I am super duper excited have tickets as there is nothing I enjoy more than Buckeye football. I still tear up during Script Ohio. Jr. and I went to last weeks game and we were treated to FOUR Script Ohios at the same time. The alum band did the main two, the regular band did one in each end zone. Quadruple tears for me!

I attended OSU for more years than I care to admit. And not because I changed majors 50 times, but because I did my masters there and spent a few wasted years working on my Ph.D. During all of those years, I got football tickets every year. I am embarrassed to say that I only went to one game. I sold my tickets every year. The year that I got married, I got two tickets and sold both. But hey, it was a year where we had a home Michigan game and my husband and I had a honeymoon to pay for! I think we got $400 for the pair. Quite a deal by today's standards. It is hard to believe, given all of the Buckeye spirit that I have now, that I had none while I was in school. Maybe I am overcompensating??? I'd like to think that the mature me has more appreciation for the great traditions that exist at OSU. Maybe it is just the beer? Who knows and who cares. Go Bucks!

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Friday Movie Trivia

I had to struggle for a quote tonight. I even had to struggle to think of a movie. Not good, especially since it was a short week. On a side note, I played tennis tonight and my poor 34 year old back is starting to ache. Has old age begun to set in? I did get to play with my new racquet and I must tell you that it is sweet. I'm hopeful that I will be able to lead the Geriatric Aces (my tennis team) to victory on Tuesday. A girl can dream, can't she?

Because I am totally ADD, I stopped thinking about the quote and started thinking about Buckeye football, which lead me to the game on Saturday and tailgating. This quote popped into my head. How could you go wrong with the words Ohio and brewski in the same quote! Without further ado, here is the movie quote of the week:

"This is Ohio. If you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress."

As always, no cheating please. Didn't your mother tell you that cheaters never win? If it is too easy, just send back another line from the movie. There are many other juicy ones to pick from. TL, if you are reading, I'm thinking of a line for you to shoot me back....one my favorites. I didn't post it because it was way too easy.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Give me that stuff, that funk, that sweet, that funky stuff

Interesting title, huh? I heard this song on the radio earlier today. If you can guess who sang it, then you should probably head to 7-11, pick up a 40 and pour one out for my favorite dead homie.

Anyway, back to business and the logic behind the title of this post. I was having a conversation last night with a friend that I have known since high school. She was telling me about her massive sweating problem. Standing still, she finds herself sweating more than Chris Farley on a coke binge. While riding the train to work, she was informed by a teen passenger that "somebody busted a pit." It was clear that he knew it was her that was guilty of the pit busting.

What is the deal with the youth of today? I do admire their clever verbage. But, they seem to have no internal screening process and no respect for adults. This friend was also telling me that there were messages being played over and over again on the TV asking parents to not forget about sending their children off for the first day of school. Frightening, isn't it.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

No Mommie Dearest here.

I was never one of those girls who dreamed about getting married. When I got engaged and started planning our wedding, I was surprised to find out that people expected us to have an engagement party and pick a color theme for our wedding. Barf! I did neither. Because I never dreamed about what my wedding was supposed to be like, I had few expectations. As far as we were concerned, we needed a priest and a church, a hall, some food and booze. Booze was basically the theme of ours and that is probably why 9 years later people still talk about our wedding. There was also an odd couple hook up at our wedding, but I’m sworn to secrecy. Luckily my husband and I were in the lobby during the time my girlfriend did the walk of shame. Unfortunately for her, she will never live this down.

The reason I never dreamt about my wedding was because I never really thought I would get married. But, I met the right person and the rest is history. I also never thought that I would have children, but I was wrong about that too. My perfect groom came with a son. When we got married he was 6 years old. I have been in his life since he was 3, so luckily for me, he really doesn’t remember a time when I wasn’t in his life. I couldn’t imagine him not being a part of mine…

This past Saturday I had to take my husband to the emergency room. He suffers from kidney stones so we are frequent visitors. While we were in the waiting room my phone kept buzzing with text messages from Junior. I couldn’t help but feel super duper happy that he felt that I was worthy of multiple text messages. Most of his messages were about what he was eating. After all, he is 15 and spends more time than not with his mouth full. It didn’t matter to me what his messages were about. The fact was, there were things that he wanted to tell me. He could have just as easily text messaged one of his friends.

Now I am not one of those parents who are kidding myself about my relationship with him. I know that he thinks I am old and uncool. I would never do anything to get him to think I am his friend, and I don’t mean that in a harsh sense. Parents can’t be both parent and friend. One of the reasons my husband asked me to marry him was because he felt that I was worthy of helping him to raise his son. The second reason was that I chose steak over salad on our first date. My eating skills rival any man out there, with the exception of maybe Takeru Kobayashi.

People always ask us if we will have children. Our answer is always the same: we already do. There are no and have never been any plans to have more children. Some people in our lives can’t let this go. “But you are such good parents.” “Don’t you want your OWN children?” The second one pisses me off the most. Of course I wonder what our biological child would look life. After all, I am a geneticist and I can’t help myself. What I have learned after all of these years as Junior’s mom is that DNA really has nothing to do with it. He is my kid in my heart and that is what counts.

Over the years people have asked me what it takes to raise a kid when you are the extra parent. I certainly have made my fair share of mistakes, believe me. But, here are a few things I have learned:

1. Do not use the word step parent. This is an ugly word. It should never be said in front of the child. Kids do not hear “step” but hear “less”, “inferior”, you get the point. I have made this mistake 2 times and unfortunately it was because of my own vanity. It can be confusing to people who are capable of doing the math: 34 year old woman with 15 year old kid. I am deeply sorry for ever saying this and have sworn to myself that it will never happen again.

2. With that being said, you are not the child’s parent. In my situation, Junior has two sets of parents. His biological mother is still in the picture. She is a trouble maker and a flake and that will be the last I will say about her. But, she is his mother. I am the extra mother. The job of a step parent is to help your spouse raise the kid/s in the manner they see fit. My husband wants me to contribute, and I do, but ultimately how Junior is raised is his choice.

3. Never ever bash the child’s biological parent. This should be an obvious one, but it is the one that is most forgotten.

4. You should never force the child to call you mom or dad. Besides, it is much cooler when they make the decision to do this on their own!

5. Never give your spouse grief about money that is spent on the child. The same thing goes for time.

6. Try to understand their situation. Often times the child goes between two houses, has two set up parents, two sets of clothes/toys and the king daddy, big kahuna, drum roll please, two sets of rules. My parents divorced when I was 18. I did not live at home, but have experienced my fair share of duplicates, two Thanksgiving meals in one day is a personal favorite. If you are lucky enough to have married parents, just ask an adult who had to deal with their parent’s divorce. Trust me, there are enough of us out there.

7. Do not try and become the child’s friend. They have enough of their own at school who are their own age. No matter how hard you try, you can’t compete. And, if you try, you will look like a chump. But, keep in mind that this is coming from a woman who has a blast with her son. When Dad is out of town, we always eat ice cream before our dinner. The two of us can often be found dancing around the house and downloading music. This is (sadly) because I have the musical taste of a 15 year old boy. There is a line between having fun with a kid and being their friend. Parents should take the time to enjoy their kids. I’m convinced that this, along with Suduko and Oil of Olay eye cream will keep me young forever.

I am no expert, just someone who has experienced divorce and remarriage from both ends. It has been no picnic. It took me many years to deal with my parents divorce. I’d like to think that those years of trying to figure it all out helped me in managing my current situation. I am and will forever be a true optimist.

If there are others out there in my situation, I’d love to know more about how you make it work.

Monday, September 3, 2007

Its 3am I must be lonely....

I wanted to post this last night, but couldn't get on the internet.....

“Its 3 am I must be lonely. I can’t be help but be scared of it all sometimes.”

Actually, not at all. No to being lonely. No to being scared. I would agree that the moon don’t hang quite as high as it used to. But have you taken a good look the last few days? Not only does the moon seem low, but it seems HUGH!

“I like big butts and I can’t deny. You other brothers can’t deny….. Deep in the jeans she’s wearing, I’m hooked and I can’t stop starin’.”

Aw yeah, who doesn’t like a big but? Big momma got back, hell yeah! I can’t get out of lyric hell. Today was my birthday, 25 plus 9. Yes, I have held on to the 25 too long. I am 34 years old. But, I feel 25, at least on the inside. I am in lyric hell because I am listening to the CD of my life, at least according to my sister. So far, she hasn’t gone too far off. Surprising, since she is 6 years younger than me. So far we have heard The Cure, Depeche Mode, the beach boys??? (um, I’m not that old!!), Nine Inch Nails and Sir-Mix-A-Lot. Not too shabby, huh? If you would like a copy of this CD, just let me know. I would be more than happy to forward a copy. Thanks 1-L, the CD is great. I have already listened to it multiple times.

So why the 25 plus 9, you ask? Good question. I am still asking myself this question, nine years later. Why the hesitation to grow older? You can deny it all you want, but we all agree that it sucks getting older. This is hard to say coming from someone who loves her birthday. I have already started counting down to 25, er, 35. Ouch. 35. 35. 35. That sounds terrible. Almost 40. All day I heard from my hubby (who is 40, mind you) that my bones were brittle, osteoporosis has set in. HA! In reality, I am in better physical shape that I have been in my entire life. I’d like to think that I could kick my husband’s ass, but the reality is, he is much bigger than me. Oh well.

Anyways, what is with the drama of aging? I was reading an article the other day. It was written by a woman in her 40’s. She was talking about how she had seen a picture of herself, 10 years ago. She was surprised at how young she looked, but was aware of how much she had learned about herself and the world, since that picture was taken. I have the same picture. It is of me and my friend T, at 17 years old, seniors in high school. We are dressed as hippies for senior something day. Yikes, do we look young (read young AND thin). But boy, were we stupid. Still na├»ve about boys, young T wondered if you sucked or blew for a blow job. If only our lives were still that simple. I’m not even sure at that point that I had an answer for her.

So the reality is that we as women get older. But, if you are doing it right, we get wiser. I try to look at the aging process from this perspective. Ones 20s are confusing. If anyone tells you differently, they are full of shit. You spend your 20s trying to figure out who you are, what you want out of life, what you are willing to do, what you would rather not do. Hopefully you figure this out before you enter your 30s. I did and it has made my 30s some of the best years of my life. I know who I am and know what I want out of life. I know what I am willing to put up with and what is b.s. I know what I am good at and what I need to work on. I also am aware of the fact that there are some things that I should just give up on (like smoking for instance, which I did none of tonight, yeah ME!), that life is too short. We as women should look at aging as a badge of courage, a rite of passage. For some reason this is difficult to do. We are told by society that aging makes us weak and forgettable. The reality is aging makes us who we are. We should embrace it. Experience does count. The wrinkles on our face represent!

Being that today was my birthday, I invited some friends over. Ironically, those who were younger than me left early. It was us older folk that hung around and drank by the fire. Was it because the younger folks were tired from trudging their way through their 20s? In reality it was probably because one of them was preggers, others had puking babies and yet others were illin’, but just go with it. In my reality, it was those who were above 30 that stuck around because they understood what a milestone it was to celebrate another birthday. And not in the, “I’m 95 and ready to die” sense. They understood that I was not just celebrating another year of life, but celebrating another year of understanding. Not just of myself, but of the world and the people around me.

What a beautiful thing this was. People who stick around, but don’t stick around too late. The perfect friends, as far as I’m concerned. The perfect friend who buys you a cookie cooling rack (yes boys, I said rack), along with other culinary treasures! The perfect friend who brings you flowers. The perfect mother who buys you a gift card for a facial, knowing that the two of us would go together since I bought her the same thing for her birthday. (And I must brag, the perfect hubby who buys you the tennis racket you have been coveting for months! I am so in the US Open next year….)

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life….take a look around, at least you’ve got friends.”

Yes, Prince has been and will always be a part of the CD of my life. So, to my friends Chris (hubby), Monique/aka Shaq, Susan, Matt B, Deanna, Mike, Jan and Pappy….thanks for coming by. Thanks for staying for a few beers. Thanks for some great conversation. Cheers to you, me and many more occasions to celebrate!

Friday, August 31, 2007

Friday Movie Trivia

Here is your trivia for today, TGIF! Have at it.

"Oxygen gets you high. In a catastrophic emergency, you're taking giant panicked breaths. Suddenly you become euphoric, docile. You accept your fate. It's all right here. Emergency water landing - 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows."

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Relax, don't do it.

Last week I had my final acupuncture treatment. When I left the exam room, I found myself waiting in line to return my chart and pay. So, I decided to take a quick gander at my chart. There was very little written, probably because the reason I was going (smoking cessation) was cut and dry and because of the fact that I this was my third and final visit. At the bottom of the chart I notice one word, written by the doctor: anxious. I have been thinking about this one word for almost a week now and have to say I am troubled by it. This word has such a negative vibe to it. It is an ugly word, almost as ugly as the word bunion.

It doesn’t take a doctor to put the classification of anxious on me. I am admittedly anxious. So why did this one word on my chart bother me so much? So, I looked up the definition of the word and here is what I found:

anx·ious ( ngk sh s, ng sh s) KEY ADJECTIVE:
1. Uneasy and apprehensive about an uncertain event or matter; worried.
2. Attended with, showing, or causing anxiety: spent an anxious night waiting for the test results.
3. Usage Problem Eagerly or earnestly desirous.


OTHER FORMS: anx ious·ly (Adverb), anx ious·ness (Noun) Usage Note: Anxious has a long history of use roughly as a synonym for eager, but many prefer that anxious be used only when its subject is worried or uneasy about the anticipated event. In the traditional view, one may say We are anxious to see the strike settled soon but not We are anxious to see the new show of British sculpture at the museum. Fifty-two percent of the Usage Panel rejects anxious in the latter sentence. But general adoption of anxious to mean "eager" is understandable, at least in colloquial discourse, since it provides a means of adding emotional urgency to an assertion. It implies that the subject so strongly desires a certain outcome that frustration of that desire will lead to unhappiness. In this way, it resembles the informal adjective dying in sentences such as I'm dying to see your new baby.


How dare 52% of the Usage Panel (who is on this panel anyway?) deny me of the positive usage of anxious. At least the usage of the word in this way is “understandable.” Who writes this stuff? This was the exact context of the word I was looking for, so I’ve decided to just go with it. It makes me feel better, knowing that this form of the definition exists, even though it is wildly unpopular among dictionary writers. Maybe Dr. Pin Prick sensed that I was “eager” to quit smoking and this lead to his “anxiety” assessment. Maybe my desire to quit has caused me to be anxiously anxious?

I think what bothers me most about the anxious label is the fact that over three visits, I spent approximately 5 minutes talking to the Doctor. Was my anxiousness that transparent? After I leave the checkout line at Kroger does the cashier think, “Wow, that woman sure is anxious!” I really do try and focus on being relaxed, calm. But, I’m not even sure I can pull calm off in my sleep. It is just not who I am.

In reality, we are all freaks. Each of us possessed with some weirdness that we can’t control. I probably have a bit more weirdness than most, at least that is what I am told. But, it is this weirdness that makes us interesting, unique individuals. So, I am going to embrace it, and stop fighting it. And besides, what does an acupuncturist know anyway?

Monday, August 27, 2007

If you are thinking of dropping out of school, watch this first.

This is truly one of the most frightening pieces of video that I have ever seen. I will admit that I laughed out loud the first time I watched it. OK, I laughed each time I saw it. But the more I watched it, the more I felt bad for this poor girl. It has to hurt to be that stupid. It has to hurt to know that millions of people will watch this video. I am sure that her family is cursing You Tube and the internet. Hopefully she is too dumb to know how really dumb she is.
Now I don't want to have an entire post ragging on this girl. That is hard for me to say given that my #1 pet peeve in life is stupid people. I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt..maybe she was just nervous? Maybe her cat died right before the pageant and she couldn't focus? Maybe she had a lobotomy? Maybe she was in awe of the fact that AC Slater was standing next to her? Maybe she was peering into the audience to see if Screech was there? But, I'm afraid that I can't do that. There were so many things wrong with what she said. What is really sad about the situation is how the system has failed this girl. She really did answer her question, by example. The reason that most Americans can't find the US on a map is because most Americans are stupid. And she proved it. I read a comment from a teacher about this video. She said that she felt that it was likely that MORE than 1/5 of Americans can't find the US on a map. Her experiences as a teacher in Texas led her to this belief. More than half of her students thought Texas was a country. Worse yet, they thought that Texas belonged to Mexico. Muy mal!
Maybe even worse than the system failing her is the fact that this girl will probably get through life, with some success due to how she looks. After watching this video (and after choking on his own spit), my husband's comment was who cares that this girl is an idiot. What credentials do you really need to qualify for a pageant outside of being able to walk in heels, knowing how to glue your swimsuit to your ass and having some stupid talent like twirling fire batons? He continued by saying that it was unlikely that this girl would end up in schools, talking to the children living in US America, to borrow a phrase from the video. But is it unlikely? I bet the winners travel the country and spend tons of times in schools. I'm hoping that this girl didn't win. Don't forget that there are the freakish families out there who devote their lives to entering their children in pageants. These girls do end up being role models. Besides, doesn't the world have enough of these role models already? Aren't Lindsey, Brittany and Paris enough? I heard that Hugh Heffner is looking to add a girl to his fleet...maybe there is hope for this girl after all. She and Kendra could be lifelong friends!
Thankfully the contestant's responses are timed. This girl could have gone on for hours. It would have been interesting to see how many times she would have said 'such as.' It would have just been interesting to hear anything else she would have said. It would have been interesting to hear the audiences reaction...or lack there of.
Didn't anyone tell her before the pageant that the answer to EVERY QUESTION is world peace? Hopefully she learned her lesson.