Thursday, January 22, 2009

Good, good, good, good vibrations....

Enter, with caution.

Everyone poops. I know this because a children's book was written with this title. I’m also pretty sure that everyone masturbates. Even me. Which, apparently, was quite a shock to the Mister. Last week, for some reason which I don’t remember, Mr. Big Momma ventured into by bra drawer. Upon entry, he immediately yelped “Oh my god, there are enough batteries in here to power the continental United States for 10 years.” I heard his yelp and responded with a big fat nothing. Because I knew why the batteries were there. I wasn’t saving them as a reserve, they were there for a rainy day. And to power me into the land of good vibrations. A land that I visit from time to time. A land populated by Barack Obama and Tiger Woods. Oh, and don’t forget Brad Pitt. And one that is sometimes visited by the new James Bond. We like it shaken, but never stirred. To each there own, I suppose. So back to his yelp followed by my nothing. That only lasted for a few days. I knew that the bottom was to drop, I just hoped that it wouldn’t be a for another fifty years or so. Three days later, while recapping our work days, Mr. Big Momma said, and I quote, “I need to ask you about something, but I’m not sure how to.” If you have been married for even a minute, you know that this is THE WORST THING THAT YOU EVER HOPE TO HEAR. When you hear this you immediately think, “Oh my god, he totally fucked my best friend, while my sister watched and my mom cheered him on.” You then think that he left this fuck fest for the strip bar where he made it rain for the skaggiest girls on earth, while he was with my dad, and then they flew to Nicaragua and bought enough coke to make Britney Spears’ jealous and snorted it on the bellies of The Pussy Cat Dolls. And then you think, “Oh my god, he didn’t even respect me enough to wear a condom.” And then you wake up. And he asks you, “How often do you masturbate?” He asks this because behind the bras and the batteries was the vibrator. And then the conversation gets all weird and funny and kinda hot. The details from here on out, I will not disclose, outside of saying that we are STILL married and STILL hot for one another. And I am pretty sure that this conversation will enhance our sex lives. Every couple should have these sorts of conversations. But I will disclose what I learned about what guys think about women masturbating because it is truly fascinating. And eye opening. And kinda disturbing. Misconception #1: Guys think that women masturbate all day. Every day. For 12 hour stretches. This is what Mr. Big Momma thinks I do while I say I am “working.” This explains why I must work into the wee hours of the night. I have blown my wad, so to speak, during the work day, on masturbating. Not work, but getting down with my bad self. Misconception #2: We masturbate in bed. Now I don’t know how you gals get down out there, but I prefer to get down on the couch, while watching crappy TV and not….#3. Misconception #3: We masturbate while watching porn. I’ve never taken an official poll, but most women I know think porn is gross and wouldn’t even consider it as a turn on. Misconception #4: We masturbate while totally nude. This is why Mr. Big Momma has made it his goal to come how from work early, park his car down the street and sneak up on me. Because he is totally convinced that I sit (in bed) totally nude and spread eagle while getting it on. I can’t wait for the day, while I’m working like a dog, that I see his big head pop into my office window. Oh, the disappointment. Misconception #5: We make really sexy sounds while getting down. Sounds that are unique to our normal sex with a partner sounds. Misconception #6: Masturbation is a whole production. Men think that there are candles, dimmed lighting, chocolate covered strawberries, Hallmark, flowers, perfume and Barry White. We make them work for it, so we probably make ourselves work for it too. They think it is some sort of elaborate production. Misconception #7: There is a lot of self-nipple tweaking while masturbating. Yeah, because it is sooo great to have your nipples tweaked. Misconception #8: That a “device” could replace a cock. I assure you men out there, that #8 is the biggest misconception. A cock is a cock is a cock. Yikes, I just said cock four times. So why am I sharing all of this? Well because there isn’t much that I keep to myself. And also because I think a convo like the one we started could lead to a heightened level of intimacy. I know there are many of you who have been married or with the same person for years. Things may be good in the sack, but maybe it is time for a change? Maybe it would be good for you both to mix things up? Maybe you will find something that you enjoy that you never thought possible to enjoy? Several years ago, I felt that I really finally understood marriage. It was because I truly got the idea that men and from mars and women are from venus. Now I’ve never read this book, but seriously, it is the truth. Men and women are different, and not just sexually. Here is the perfect example. Tonight while driving to The Container Store (yes, a super duper fun evening, especially for a Friday night), I asked Mr. Big Momma what he was thinking about. His response? “ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.” And you know, he was telling the truth. He even added the disclaimer, “It’s not like I’m trying to think about nothing. I’m just not thinking about anything.” This is just one of the many basic differences between women and men. Now I’m not trying to paint men and beasts who only eat, burp, leave their dirty socks all over the house, pick their asses and scratch their nuts. I’m saying simply that men and women are different. So maybe it is time that we stop looking at what our personal needs are and start wondering if we are satisfying our partner’s needs? Who knew that my battery supply would have “powered” this conversation? I personally, am glad that it did. Try some tenderness man, Otis style. I promise it will totally get you laid.