Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Richard Simmons is my friend

Last night was our final tennis match of the summer season. The top 4 teams played. Unfortunately we had to play the #1 team. They are #1 due to some strategic serves, excellent ball placement and steroids.

After they kicked our butts, Mr. Roid came up to me. Now I have never once spoken to him and I truly don't even know his name. Here is how our conversation went:

Mr. Roid: "Big Momma, I just want to say keep up the good work."

(This is said as he grabbed and held both of my hands.)

BM: "Thanks?"

I had no idea what he was talking about. At first I thought that maybe he was complementing my tennis game....

Mr. Roid: "I just wanted to say keep up the weight loss. You look really good."

BM: "Thanks?"

Fade to black. Big Momma walks away, wondering what just happened.

I seriously felt like he knew about my secret past. That Richard Simmons had once rescued me by forklifting me out of my bed and delivered me on a flat bed truck to fat camp. He then forced me to wear really small athletic shorts and "deal my meals," while sweating to the oldies.

I will admit, while I have never been grossly overweight, I struggle with my weight, as most 35 year old women do. I will also admit that I joined Weight Watchers in September and am closing in on losing 10 pounds. For the last 10 years, I have participated in WW on and off. I mainly do it when feeling a little chubby and when I know my portion sizes have gotten out of control. My goal was to lose 10% of my body weight and I am nearly there.

So why did I take such offense to his comment? I will sum in up right here. It is really obnoxious to say to someone, even after losing a few pounds, "Boy, you look really good." It implies that you looked really bad before. I thankfully do not suffer from a poor body image. I did WW to primarily work on my health. It FORCES me to eat better, knowing that each and every week, I get weighed by a stranger. The fact that I have to pay $12 each week helps too.

So in order to move on, I would like to rewind and respond with any of the following:

Mr. Roid: "I just wanted to say keep up the weight loss. You look really good."

BM: "Thanks, chemo will do that to you."

BM: "Thanks, the side effects of binging and purging are AMAZING."

BM: "Thanks, go fuck yourself."

BM: "Thanks, go fuck yourself you roid infested, shrunken ball loser. I hope your dick shrivels up and falls off. In your wife's mouth."

Thank you, I'm officially over it.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Fun Monday: Doodle edition

It has been a few weeks since I've participated in Fun Mondays, simply because Monday is no longer fun for me. Thank you career! But here I am, trying to carve some time in my schedule for a task that I very much enjoy.

This week our host is 9 Acres and here is her challenge:

Your job is to doodle this week. Start with the number 9, for Nine Acres, of course. Draw the number 9 in red and then use a different color for the rest of your doodling. That way we can all see where the original 9 was in your doodle. It is up to you how you incorporate the 9 into the doodle. It can look like something we know, or it can just be shapes. It can be colorful, or can be one color, besides the red 9. When you are finished with your doodle, take a picture of it or scan it and post it on Monday.

I don't very often doodle because I am in front of customers all day. I think though that some of my more, shall we say uninterested customers, probably wouldn't even notice if I started doodling in front of them. Some of them might also not notice if I striped down and did the polka in front of them while singing the Star Spangled Banner. Professors tend to be a boring and sometime side-tracked bunch. Now if I striped naked and danced while reciting the elements of the periodic table, I might get their attention. And a large book order.

So, given that I don't doodle often, when I do doodle, it is always the same doodles. You can view my doodles by clicking here. I will caution you that watching me doodle is a slow and boring process. Not at all like my nude Star Spangled Banner number. But lucky for you, there is a button which you can push to speed up my doodling. I would recommend speeding it up unless you are fresh out of Tylenol PM.

Once my doodling task was complete, I was to visit this site so that they could be interpreted.

Here are my findings:

My doodles prove what I have known for years: that I am a psycho who needs daily therapy sessions. And piles of Xanax and Lithium, just like Britney Spears. More specifically they reveal the following:

I am aggressively ambitious, yet romantic, with a strong desire to blossom and be fruitful in life. Kinda sounds like a description of a fine wine. Apparently I am a hermaphrodite because I not only doodle the most popular female doodles, but I also draw boxes which are manly doodles.

The mystery comes into play with my ‘house’ doodles. Now I don’t draw them because I want to draw a house, I draw them because it is a game I learned in 6th grade. You must draw the house, without lifting your pen from the paper. As you can see from my live doodle feed, I am very good at this. I am not good at fractions, because I was a bit too preoccupied with the house challenge. But please don't tell my 6th grade teacher. My sister and I were her favorite students....I would hate for our images to be tarnished.

So there you have it. A bit of insight into all that is Crazy Big Momma. Now go make your Monday fun and visit the rest of the participants!