'O' Big Momma, you dirty girl you!

I have to confess that I had a very disturbing dream last night. And when I say “disturbing,” I really mean “hot.” I must confess, internet, I had a nasty dream about Barack Obama.

Now bear with me here. I wasn’t alive during the Kennedy years. I am sure that there were many women during those years who had nasty dreams about Kennedy. I’m also sure that those women really truly fantasized about Kennedy. And when I say “really truly fantasized” I really mean really truly fantasized because they didn’t have the luxury of free porn or the internet. Those poor bitches. But I’m not going to feel too bad for them because while they didn’t have the luxuries of modern day society, they had something better. They had a real true fantasy about their president. A fantasy that only existed in their minds. A fantasy that was all their own. It is quite sad that no one has written about this for decades, but the reality is that it has been that long since we’ve had a hot president. And a smart president, but seriously, like I really needed to spell that out.

So back to Barack. One of my friends sent me an email a few weeks ago titled “Your Christmas Present.” Before opening, I figured it would be an Amazon gift card or something of the like. I had no idea how truly giving this friend would be. And I say that because his Christmas gift was this:


And he gave me this all while knowing that I curse baby Jesus on a daily basis. A friend that knows that I put up my Christmas tree, reluctantly, while listening to Ozzy Osbourne. Really loud Ozzy. While wearing all black and my devil ears.

That, my friends, is a true friend. So thank you friend for your o so generous gift. The gift that keeps on giving. I gift that I hope you, female readers, will continue enjoying. If you aren’t going to enjoy it for my sake, at least enjoy it for baby Jesus. You know he would want you to!

Smooth move, Exlax

Tee, hee, hee. My Dad used to say that all the time when I did something stupid and it still make me chuckle.

So I’m wondering, is there an Exlax specifically for bloggers? Because I have been backed up for some time. After Mr. Big Momma and I discussed my masturbatory habits for an hour or so tonight (another post, kittens, I promise!), I was telling him how neglectful I have been with my blog. And how I wasn’t really neglectful because I have 5 posts saved in Word that I just haven’t posted. He was curious as to why I haven’t posted them (see future, already written post to be posted someday…). I told him that I haven’t posted them because I wasn’t feeling them. The foundation was laid (you: mind, out of gutter, please), but the details weren’t falling into place. He then told me that sometimes you need to settle with “B” work. Ha! “B” work is not part of who I am, unless I am posting six beers in.

So here I am, 3 beers in and feeling the urge to post. I’m half way there. So for tonight, you get random thoughts.

Random thought #1: If you play tennis, you should have full sight. There is this woman on my tennis league who I really think is blind. I say this because her eyes seem unable to focus on a human being. Now it would be really interesting if she was blind and able to play tennis. I am fairly certain that she is not blind because every week she shows up and does in fact play tennis. But her googly eyes still are troubling to me….

Random thought #2: The best shot in tennis, if you are playing at the net, is to hit the ball directly at the person playing the net on the other side of the court. Even though my tennis skills are somewhat lacking, I still can do this from time to time. Every time I do it, I apologize. I did it to my tennis coach on Saturday and of course, apologized profusely. She told me to shut the hell up. So when I was telling this to Mr. Big Momma tonight, I told him that sometimes in sports, you have to take a ball to the face. I am so willing to do this. Take a ball to the face and congratulate the person who hit it for hitting the perfect shot. Unfortunately though, many of the women on this league to do not feel the same way. Maybe because I have been married for 10 years, I am just used to taking balls to the face. Thanks Mr. Big Momma for the prep work. And again, just a reminder, please get your mind out of the gutter. You are really sick. Sick, sick, sick. Tee, hee, hee….I just said balls, like, 80 times. Balls, ha, ha, ha!

Random thought #3: There is woman that I met several months ago who is almost certainly the future me. The me at 55. And I have to tell you that I love her. Not just because she is cool as hell, but because she calls me “kiddo.”

Random thought #4: My best gay calls me kitten. I love this moniker. In fact I told him several weeks ago over a brutal Uno game that he doesn’t call me kitten anymore and that I thought we were no longer BFF’s. In this case, BFF=best fruit fly. Because he is my best gay, he immediately kittened me all up and all was right in my world. Best gay’s can do that to a girl.

Random thought #5: Mr. Big Momma asked me tonight to choose my best moniker: kitten vs. kiddo. As if! I cannot and will not choose.

Random thought #6: Holy shit, it is almost 2009. Scary shit. Don’t even ask me about New Year’s resolutions. Too much FUS (fucked up shit) wrong with me to even consider.

Random thought #7: I swear, one of my resolutions is to post up the crap that I have socked away. Your NY resolution is to be very, very afraid.