Thursday, October 30, 2008


Poles and holes.

The exact words my BIL uses to describe Halloween. And I have to say, after visiting several costume stores, he is right.

Halloween is an excuse for men to see holes and women to see poles. Are you picking up what I am putting down? If not, you should leave this site immediately and douse yourself in holy water. Holy water that has been blessed by the pope. Actually, if you stay, you should still probably douse yourself in holy water anyway, just to be safe. I hear it is like chicken soup for the soul. Oprah told me so.

A few weeks ago one of my girlfriends and I went to a Halloween shop, hoping to get inspired. We knew that we were going down to the Short North for the big Halloween partaaaay this year, but at that time, had no idea what our costumes would be. And I'll tell you that neither one of us were divinely inspired. We were shocked at the choices.

Slutty nurse
Slutty witch
Paris Hilton. No adjectives required.
Slutty zombie.
Slutty Freddie Kruger. Don't you know guys did chicks with long nails? I blame Alanis Morissette.
Slutty slut
Slutty Pippy Longstockings
Slutty sorcerer
Sexy kitten

And on and on and on. What would Pope John II think?

So with empty hands we walked out of the store. Neither of us was down with the slutty vibe. Even if we were, neither of us was down for spending $60 on a costume. Everyone knows that slut costumes, because of their lack of fabric, should be at least 30% off.

So what am I going to be for Halloween?


Big Momma in a pink wig. That is all I have the energy for. Plus, I've always wanted pink hair, cut into a short bob. And my hole will not be showing. Just in case you were wondering.....

Happy Halloween people! Don't eat too much candy!!!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Fool in the rain

I am a total idiot for buying Halloween candy 5 days before the big day. It is half gone and the circumference of my ass has already doubled. Hopefully it will not experience exponential growth.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Dirty little secret

Well, here I am. Almost nine on Sunday night. Work is done. Check. Exercised today? Check. Jr.'s homework? Check. Now I just need to fall asleep.
Last night I struggled to stay awake for the OSU game. I made the sacrifice for my good friend Jim Tressel and his boys. Unfortunately my encouraging words weren't heard. It was a sad night in the Big Momma household. I even had on my Buckeye socks. Sometimes, you just can't do enough. Buckeye shirt? Check. Red bra? Check, check. Red undies? Check, check, check. I suited up but spent the game on the bench. Ok, really, the couch. But promise not to tell Tressell. It will be our little secret.

Back to tonight and trying to get some sleep. Not going to be an easy one. Too much going on upstairs. I wish there was an on/off switch. Actually, I probably don't because it would certainly spend more time in the off position. And then I would need to be fed thru a tube and someone would have to change my diaper. I don't think that anyone is up for the task.

What am I trying to say here? Lots. But it just can't seem to get it into the form of words or sentences. And forget about punctuation. That is a whole nother football game. And there is a lot going on right now. A lot that I can do nothing about. Other than hope it all works out for the best.

But here is a question for you married folk: If someone tells you a secret, do they assume that said secret will be shared with your spouse? I guess I always assume that to be so. Unless of course, you tell your sister that you think her husband cheats during tennis matches. She certainly wouldn't share that. Probably because she knows I am right. Just joshing Nill....NOT.

But what if said secret is a juicy one. A secret that secretly is good news. A secret that doesn't deserve to be a secret in the first place? A secret that is a blessing in disguise? Have you ever typed a word so much (ie, secret) that you question if you are spelling it right? That is where I am right now.

Questioning. I know the who, what, where and when, just not the WHY.

I wish I had all of the answers. Or at least a magic wand to make everything as right as it deserves to be.

To close, some lyrics:
Beyond my control - we all need control. I need control - we all need control.
I am the Modren Man - secret secret -
I've got a secret. Who hides behind a mask - secret secret -
I've got a secret So no one else can see - secret secret - I've got a secret
A prize to anyone who can give me the song and band. No cheating of course. There are no secrets here......