Thursday, November 13, 2008

I hope your face falls off

I am a stalker. Seriously. Just ask anyone in my family. If I call you and you don't answer, I will call you until you do. I am charming in that way. Those I do this to (especially the hubby) certainly find it annoying. But I do think that stalkery (yes, I just made that up, wouldn't George W be proud!) is the ultimate form of flattery.

Or at least that is what I keep telling them.

In my constant efforts to mature, I have shifted my stalking efforts. See, I'm a big girl now! I am now a Facebook stalker. What is even more remarkable than this confession is the fact that I DO NOT have a Facebook account. That is where the stalking comes into play.

You see while in Chicago this summer visiting my friend T introduced me to The Facebook. Because I am a stalker, I memorized her username and password. You really can't trust me with anything. But, in my defense, T knows that I have been logging on as her and peeking around. During our weekly calls, we generally do a Facebook recap. There are a few high school friends that usually dominate the conversation. I guess not much has changed.....

I have thought many times about starting my own Facebook account, but I doubt that I ever will. Really, do I want to know what people from high school are up to? Not so much. The people that I want to keep in touch with, I already do. And I really have no desire to spark up a friendship with someone now, that I didn't even speak to in high school.

But what I do want to do is fuck with The Facebook. Understand that when I say want to do, I mean will never do. But I just can't control the evil part of my brain. Now just because I would never violate T's Facebook trust, doesn't mean I don't have a detailed laundry list of exactly what I would do with my own Facebook account.

Once logged into Facebook, you are encouraged to type something. There is a friendly box that states "What are you doing right now?" The something that you type there shows up on the pages of those you are friends with. In case you are not familiar, here are some examples of what people type:

Joe is waiting for his children to fall asleep.
Tammy is glad that tomorrow is Friday.
Billy just finished power washing his dog.

Blah, blah, blah. You get the idea. Here are some of my ideas:

Big Momma just squeezed out a dump in the shape of Mr. Potato Head.

Big Momma got sick of her son whining, so she bound and gagged him and locked him in the closet.

Big Momma is watching gay porn.

Big Momma just drank a case of beer and followed it with a percocet chaser.

Big Momma is hoping that none of her high school classmate fucks contact her here.

And so on, and so on. Oh the fun that I would have.

Another thing that Facebook shows is who you are friends with. For example, Tom and Sue are now friends. This drives me nuts. Who gives a shit, who gives a fuck?

It also can announce events others are attending. "Betty is attending a help me find my G spot seminar on Tuesday." You go girl. Please be sure to tell us when you find it.....

....cuz I'll be anxiously awaiting, while I stalk the pages of Facebook.

Technology. A curse and a blessing all in one neat, stalking package.

Who told him?

Looks like W found out about my Shocker Treatment.....

I'm pretty sure they took this picture in my honor....wishing me the best for my December shock therapy.

Am I the only one counting the days until this moron is no longer prez?