Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Jingle F'in Bells

I am officially in a funk. This funk being worst than most because it is decorated with tinsel and twinkle lights and has been drenched in egg nog. Let me just get to the point. I hate Christmas. I have for many years. I’m not really sure when in started, but I have disliked this holiday for most of my adult life. As I was complaining to Mr. Big Momma tonight about my hatred for this holiday and how Thanksgiving really is the best holiday, he reminded me that I did actually enjoy the last few Christmases. Was he still smokin’ crack last year? No, he was right. I had found enjoyment in cutting down the tree, decorating it, shopping and wrapping gifts. But for some reason I can’t seem to get that “ho, ho, ho” feeling back this year. Is it January yet?

Tonight we started decorating our tree. For as many years as I can remember we listen to Harry Connick Jr.’s Christmas CD “When My Heart Finds Christmas” while decorating. It tends to keep the crabby out of the Mister while putting the lights on the tree. Is there some gene on the Y chromosome that causes men to get irritable when lights on a string come into play? I have to say that I do get some enjoyment out of watching Mr. Big Momma get frustrated. He is normally calm, cool and collected. At least there is something that frazzles him! I digress. So, as I was singing along with HC2 I began sweeping up the needles from the tree, cursing gravity and I thought, things could be worse. This thought process was accelerated after a conversation with my sister. She pointed out the many ways that things could be worse (there are other things going on, personally, that are bringing me down, outside of this stupid Christmas thang). I could be the mother of Jamie Lynn Spears, my bladder could fall out of my vagina (I won’t even tell you why this came up), I could have an adjustable rate mortgage. OK, I got it. Enough said. Thanks sis for the pick me up. So, rather than spend the next 6 days crabbing out Christmas, I have decided to come up with a list of things I do like about the holiday. Here goes.

10. The smell of a freshly cut tree in my living room.

9. They way the star at the top of our tree transforms our living room into 2001 Space Odyssey. Tony Manero not included. My mom gave me this tree topper years ago. It is the one that topped our trees as children. We call it the disco ball, for obvious reasons. Pictures to come. It is truly a gem. Last year my mom bought us the modern day version which has electric, flashing lights. I am afraid to put it up for fear that we will have seizures. One tongue being almost bitten off from a seizer, per year, and we have already had ours…

8. Putting the Christmas socks on the dog. We do this every year with a pair of socks (with jingle bells on them) that my mom bought for me years ago. Notice a trend here? See #7 for more on that. Every year we put the socks on the dog’s legs and watch her wobble around until they fall off. We probably need to get out more.

7. My mom. If she was given one wish, she would not waste it on world peace or a $10 bazillion dollars. She would use her wish to become Santa. Not Mrs. Claus, but the big guy. My mom is obsessed with Christmas and has a basement full of Christmas crap to prove it. She even just purchased her own Santa to come on that as well.

6.Spritz cookies. Need I say more? Unfortunately I haven’t gotten around to making mine yet. Damn job.

5. Food, food and more food. No dieting allowed this time of year. What would baby Jesus think?

4. Being around children that still believe in Santa.

3. A Christmas Story. Some of the best movie lines of all time. “I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!” “Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!” “It's a Major Award!” “Deck the halls with boughs of horry, ra ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.” I watch this movie at least 10 times every Christmas.

2. A few days off from work.

And drum roll, please. The best thing about Christmas is Harry Connick Jr. I have been a huge fan of his for many years. His music is rich and calming. I’ve seen him in concert many times over the years and he actually sings. No lip synching! Can you imagine? I love his Christmas CD not just for the music, but for the tradition that listening to it has become in our household. Even better, there is a sketch on Mad TV that you can see this time of year. HC2 was the guest host. He IS funny, but the best part of the show is when he sings a Christmas song, while playing the piano and wearing a wife beater. Welcome to the gun show, baby! I just realized tonight that he has another Xmas CD, “Harry for the Holidays.” Reminds me that I need to shave my legs. Wouldn’t want to be harry for the holidays. I’m sure Mr. Big Momma would agree!