Saturday, July 26, 2008

It's Monday and it's fun: If I was king for just one day.....

This week’s Fun Monday is an interesting one:

If you were ruler for a day/week/month/year (your choice on the time) you would...

And p.s., I’m posting early because I going to be in Florida, starting tomorrow for a work trip. Mr. Big Momma will be home all week, so don’t even consider breaking into my house to steal my stuff. And beside, we have ADT on our side. Ooh and don’t forget to visit the rest of the Fun Monday group at It is after all, Monday…what else do you have to do?

My one simple rule: abolish stupid people. Ever day of every year. I would reign supreme.

In my heart, and per The Ohio State University, I am a geneticist. Charles Darwin is one of my heroes. So much so that I have a C.D. magnet on my fridge. Serious, huh? I don’t joke. For those of you who have been out of the loop for the last 100 or so years, Charles Darwin coined the phrase “natural selection” after doing many years of boring research on pea plants and the like. Not a very exciting man but a brilliant one none the less. Natural selection can be defined as:

“The process by which favorable heritable traits become more common in successive generations of a population of reproducing organisms, and unfavorable heritable traits become less common, due to differential reproduction of genotypes.” Thank you Wikipedia!

For those non-scientists out there, this basically means that as we, uh, get it on, if you know what I mean, the good live and the bad die. I’ve probably made this too simple. But really, it is a simple scientific concept.

I am sure that Darwin would applaud me in how I will use his scientific discovery to make my decision on what I would do if I was large and in charge. Hell, we would probably even get a paper published in “Science.”

To go back to this definition, and to get to the point, we will describe his terms in the following way:

Favorable heritable trait=intelligence

Unfavorable heritable trait=stupidity, or white trash, depending on when you ask me

Population=the world

Differential reproduction of genotypes=you don’t need to know as it won’t be on the quiz

A quick experiment to help you understand…..

Big Momma and Mr. Big Momma, after a wild drunken night at Bob’s Bar come home, tear each other’s clothing off and engage in a wild night of swing from the rafters sex. Because I am a terrible speller and he can’t seem to ever shut a cabinet door, our offspring would fail out of first grade and end up as a divorced adult because his/her lack of cabinet shutting skills would drive his or her spouse to the brink of insanity. Said child would die, thus not be able to reproduce (no swing from the rafters sex for you!) and these terrible traits would not be passed on to inevitably torture future generations. Whew! Assuming these traits did not exist in either of us, said child would be able to splice genes, leap tall building in a single bound (I am an excellent jumper despite having flabby wave at me and I'll wave right back!) and build cabinetry that would shut itself. I say that only because Mr. Big Momma is a brilliant architect. Got it? Good.

Based on all of this scientific mambo-jumbo, I am sure you all are asking “why do stupid people continue to exist?” They should, based on Darwin’s ideas, have been weeded out long ago. I can assure you they exist because of alcohol. Drunk people have sex. Reckless sex. Which produces reckless, dumb offspring. Reckless dumb offspring continue to reproduce reckless dumb offspring. And so on and so on. You've seen Cops, right? This is where I come in. In a wave of my hand or a crinkle of my nose, I would wipe out those who swim in the shallow end of the gene pool. As a result we would have a world in which there was no war, no hatred, no credit card debt, and no mullets. No abusive spouses. No idiots talking on their cell phones while driving on the highway. And most imporantly, no flower pots made from old tires. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Welcome to the world of Big Momma. I hope you enjoy your stay.

The man, the myth, the legend, Chuck Darwin. Kinda hot in a nerdy way. I totally dig dudes with mutton chops, hence my infatuation with Elvis. The position of his left hand is a little creepy, don't you think? I wonder what he is hiding....the pea in his pod perhaps?

And his oh so fascinating peas! They look good enough to eat!

Weekend visitor

Auntie Flo came by for a visit this weekend and boy, she is a bitch.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I can't drive.....55.....

.....but he better!

Today I took Jr. to get his temps. We didn't end up getting it because I carried on like such a lunatic mother that I was escorted out of the DMV in handcuffs.
OK, not really. We didn't get it officially because I am an idiot and went to the wrong DMV. Actually Mr. Big Momma was the idiot because he told me which one to go to. Sorry babe! We were able to do all of the paperwork so that they could issue him his temporary license. It doesn't get activated until he passes the test. So here I have a 16 year old, something that looks an awful lot like a drivers license with my kid's picture on it and a husband who can't wait until he drives. I on the other hand, would be content to drive him around for the rest of his life.

And don't worry Columbus, I'll give you the heads up when he is legal!

Don't believe the hype

Actually, my homies from Public Enemy have it all wrong. Believe the hype. Walk, no RUN to the closest movie theatre. The new Batman movie is wicked awesome. And what they are saying about Heath Ledger is true!
If you are in Columbus, you should definately see this movie at Studio 35. Not only will you be able to scratch off your good deed ov the day by visiting a local business, they have the coldest and best beers in town.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Fun Monday

I am going to try a little something new to shake me into submission this summer. I have decided to participate in Fun Mondays!!! Yippeeee!!!! This is a group of bloggers who comment on the same subject each Monday and then post. And, I’m told it is in fact very FUN. No misnomer here. Plus I thought it would give me the focus I have been lacking and maybe swing a few new readers my way each week. I have read thru some of the posts from the others bloggers and boy, are they a talented bunch. I hope I can meet the bar. Our delightful host can be found at

Here is the topic: Careers- Then and Now

THEN: As a child day dreaming of what your future would hold for you, what did you want to be when you grew up? Did you ever pursue or achieve it?

NOW: If you could be trained and placed in any career beginning tomorrow, what would it be?

The beauty about a child dreaming of what they will be when they grow up is that anything is possible in that dream. There is no talent, education or motivation involved. It is simply a fantasy. And, there is no one in that fantasy telling the child that she “can’t” do something. It is sad that as adults, we sometimes forget to day dream and tend to believe someone when they tell us we can’t do something.

When I was a child, I grew up dreaming that I would sell college textbooks. OK, not really. I don’t think that anyone ever dreams of being a salesperson. But, sales does suite my personality and my competitive nature. Have any of you ever watched the show Friends? I’m guessing a couple of you have. Mr. Big Momma always refers to me as “Monica” because I am super duper competitive. He also makes fun of me because I frequently say “super duper.” What can I say, once a dork, always a dork. Which leads me to the first part of this challenge. I think like most children, I dreamt of being many things. Doctor by day, dancer, singer, professional tennis player/professional swimmer, college professor, Peace Corp volunteer by night. I have always liked singing, but those who have witnessed my karaoke stylings would tell you (and they are right) that I am a terrible singer. I like to think that what I lack in talent, I make up for in enthusiasm. I remember when the movie “Annie” came out. Tracy, one of my long term childhood friends (she has been, since high school referred to as “The evil Tracy B.”, but that is another story.) and I bought the soundtrack and we would practice our vocals. We dreamed of being picked for the next Broadway running of Annie. One day I bravely stood in front of my mother and let “The sun will come out tomorrow…” rip. If memory serves me correct, she laughed at me. Now don’t go thinking what a bad mother you must have had. My mother was outstanding and always supported what we wanted to do. I think the she laughed because I really thought that the tunage that was coming out of my mouth sounded good. The next Broadway singing sensation I was not. But, I have to brag that my karaoke version of “Baby’s Got Back” always rocks the house. A true crowd pleaser!

Looking back on my childhood, it isn’t really all that surprising that I ended up in sales. I got my first taste of babysitting, and making money when I was 13. After I secured my first regular gig, I literally pimped myself out to our neighborhood. I made fliers touting my skills and hand delivered them to anyone with children. I took babysitting classes and first aid classes in order to expand my business. I remember seeing dollar signs when a new development sprung up next to the one I lived in. If another girl had a regular gig, I would worm my way in and do my best to make the children and their parents NEED me to be their regular babysitter. After all, I was the best. I needed to be the best. If there was a fundraiser at school or Girl Scouts (mmmm, Thin Mints), I ran home from school, changed out of my uniform and immediately hit the pavement to peddle my goods. It was key for me to beat the other kids to our customers. I frequently fantasized about being the Top Seller. Not much has changed in all of these years.

The two things that I never dreamed about becoming were a wife and a mother. Thankfully for me, both happened. The kid kinda just happened. And not in the way you might first think. No random sex and broken condoms here! I didn’t go the traditional route to have children. Ten years ago, I married a man who already had a child. I haven’t looked back since. Sometimes you get what you need, without knowing that you needed it in the first place.

Now to the fun part. If I could choose any profession and practice it tomorrow, what would it be? I have to give you two answers: the fantasy one and the one that could actually happen. My fantasy job would be as a Formula One driver. F1 is the ultimate in motor racing. Fastest cars, biggest budgets, unbelievable strategy, cutting edge technology. Hands down. If you are a fan of other motor sports but not F1, then you are missing out. NASCAR is a hillbilly sport; F1 is the sport of the elite. I would make so much money as a driver that upon my retirement, I would buy my own team. Aaah….Big Momma racing. Kinda got a nice ring to it, don’t ya think? I would not just manage the team, but I would also serve as the team’s test driver AND technical director. Because I would be a F1 great, Mr. Big Momma and I would live next door to Michael Schumacher, the greatest F1 driver in the history of the sport. We would play tennis together, our families would vacation together and we would share witty stories about what to do with all of our coin and how to avoid paying taxes.

My dream job that will happen? I would like to return to teaching. As a Grad Student, I taught Biology at Ohio State for a number of years. I love sharing my knowledge with moldable minds. It is a huge rush to be able to get a student excited about Biology, especially when they are taking it as a non-major. I could teach now, but it just doesn’t pay the bills. See I have a Master’s Degree and a Ph, just not the D. Yes, I am a Ph.D. drop out. It is much more fun to admit if you sing it to the tune of “Beauty School Drop Out,” off the Grease soundtrack, thank you very much. Without the D, life around the Big Momma house would be more difficult. Master’s level teaching gigspay shit. While we do not have an extravagant lifestyle, we are happy with what we have going. One of the reasons that I made a career change to publishing was because us book reps don’t have much to do in the summer. This frees up my summer months and allows me to adjunct. However, my adjuncting dreams are on hold, at least until Jr. is out of the house. It is too much fun getting to pal around with him during the summer.

So, my message to you is to keep on dreaming! Not only is it a fun pastime, but you might be surprised to find that dreams really do come true.