Saturday, July 26, 2008

It's Monday and it's fun: If I was king for just one day.....

This week’s Fun Monday is an interesting one:

If you were ruler for a day/week/month/year (your choice on the time) you would...

And p.s., I’m posting early because I going to be in Florida, starting tomorrow for a work trip. Mr. Big Momma will be home all week, so don’t even consider breaking into my house to steal my stuff. And beside, we have ADT on our side. Ooh and don’t forget to visit the rest of the Fun Monday group at http://blog.mommywizdom.com/. It is after all, Monday…what else do you have to do?

My one simple rule: abolish stupid people. Ever day of every year. I would reign supreme.

In my heart, and per The Ohio State University, I am a geneticist. Charles Darwin is one of my heroes. So much so that I have a C.D. magnet on my fridge. Serious, huh? I don’t joke. For those of you who have been out of the loop for the last 100 or so years, Charles Darwin coined the phrase “natural selection” after doing many years of boring research on pea plants and the like. Not a very exciting man but a brilliant one none the less. Natural selection can be defined as:

“The process by which favorable heritable traits become more common in successive generations of a population of reproducing organisms, and unfavorable heritable traits become less common, due to differential reproduction of genotypes.” Thank you Wikipedia!

For those non-scientists out there, this basically means that as we, uh, get it on, if you know what I mean, the good live and the bad die. I’ve probably made this too simple. But really, it is a simple scientific concept.

I am sure that Darwin would applaud me in how I will use his scientific discovery to make my decision on what I would do if I was large and in charge. Hell, we would probably even get a paper published in “Science.”

To go back to this definition, and to get to the point, we will describe his terms in the following way:

Favorable heritable trait=intelligence

Unfavorable heritable trait=stupidity, or white trash, depending on when you ask me

Population=the world

Differential reproduction of genotypes=you don’t need to know as it won’t be on the quiz

A quick experiment to help you understand…..

Big Momma and Mr. Big Momma, after a wild drunken night at Bob’s Bar come home, tear each other’s clothing off and engage in a wild night of swing from the rafters sex. Because I am a terrible speller and he can’t seem to ever shut a cabinet door, our offspring would fail out of first grade and end up as a divorced adult because his/her lack of cabinet shutting skills would drive his or her spouse to the brink of insanity. Said child would die, thus not be able to reproduce (no swing from the rafters sex for you!) and these terrible traits would not be passed on to inevitably torture future generations. Whew! Assuming these traits did not exist in either of us, said child would be able to splice genes, leap tall building in a single bound (I am an excellent jumper despite having flabby triceps....you wave at me and I'll wave right back!) and build cabinetry that would shut itself. I say that only because Mr. Big Momma is a brilliant architect. Got it? Good.

Based on all of this scientific mambo-jumbo, I am sure you all are asking “why do stupid people continue to exist?” They should, based on Darwin’s ideas, have been weeded out long ago. I can assure you they exist because of alcohol. Drunk people have sex. Reckless sex. Which produces reckless, dumb offspring. Reckless dumb offspring continue to reproduce reckless dumb offspring. And so on and so on. You've seen Cops, right? This is where I come in. In a wave of my hand or a crinkle of my nose, I would wipe out those who swim in the shallow end of the gene pool. As a result we would have a world in which there was no war, no hatred, no credit card debt, and no mullets. No abusive spouses. No idiots talking on their cell phones while driving on the highway. And most imporantly, no flower pots made from old tires. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Welcome to the world of Big Momma. I hope you enjoy your stay.

The man, the myth, the legend, Chuck Darwin. Kinda hot in a nerdy way. I totally dig dudes with mutton chops, hence my infatuation with Elvis. The position of his left hand is a little creepy, don't you think? I wonder what he is hiding....the pea in his pod perhaps?

And his oh so fascinating peas! They look good enough to eat!

15 comments:

Faye said...

Well who knew old Chucky D held all the secrets to life on a higher plane? I totally support your standards. Why didn't we get a little bit more of Darwin's theories and less sex education? He could scare us into either abstinence or, a least, less sex under the influence.

Robocop said...

Such a world would be nice to live in.

iPost said...

Wow. I am afraid you would zap me off the face of the earth, considering I am a redneck and all. But perhaps you could spare me as I am a classy redneck...not tires for planters ;0)

Sayre said...

Whoa... I think my husband inherited Chuck's eyebrows!

MommyWizdom said...

Ironically, perhaps he was hiding a hideous deformity. I'm not slamming your hero - but the question begged answering. Anyway, thanks for your participation. 'Til next time...

Irish Coffeehouse said...

I'm with iPost on this one. I stand out like a sore thumb in my area! lol

Peter said...

Who knew it was so simple???

Ari_1965 said...

Sounds good to me.

Aoj and The Lurchers said...

Oh yeah!! Good post and I'm all for selective breeding! You do it with cattle - why not humans?

Molly said...

This is the funniest and the funnest (probably not a real word so count me as swimming in the shallow-end of the gene pool) that I have read all day perhaps even all year.

lisaschaos said...

You cracked me up with the abolishing all stupid people!

I wanna play next week, please sign me up. I'll come back tomorrow for the assignment as I'll be out of commission Thurs and Fri and must get started. :)

Alison said...

Hmmm...I think you have figured out the solutions to all the world's problems!! and it was right in front of our eyes the whole time!!! You win!!

nikki said...

The world would be a better place. Sigh, if only.

Anonymous said...

Good point, though sometimes it's hard to arrive to definite conclusions

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