Monday, September 1, 2008

Wikipedia is a bitch. A young, wrinkle free bitch.

9:34pm, Monday, September 1. In a few short hours, I will go to a place that I have never gone before. It is not a place that I thought I would ever go. It isn't glamorous or worth visiting again, but it is a place that I will be stuck in for the rest of my life.

The place you ask? Middle aged purgatory.

The US Census lists middle age as 35 to 44, while Erik Erikson sees it ending a little later and defines middle adulthood as between 40 and 65. I think Erik Erikson, man with two first names, you are my new best friend.

Tomorrow I turn 35. Tragic, isn't it? Now don't you dare post, "I'm 55 and I haven't had a solid shit in 15 years, shut up you twit!" This is my blog and I'll cry if I want to. To me, 35 sounds so suburban, responsible and I guess a little boring. I am grinding my heels into the ground. I will not go without a fight!

Since I no longer am a researcher by trade, I am allowed to look to the eternal source of information, Wikipedia for facts. Here is what they say:

"Some people [5] challenge the concept that middle age is something to dread. They assert that with the right attitude and careful planning, middle age can be truly a person's best years." When I clicked on the "5" reference, I got nothing. I'm certain now that "5" must be the manufacturers of Metamucil. "5" clearly has no idea what it is talking about. This is a scam to get us middle aged folk to buy crap that we probably don't need, but buy because it will reduce the lines on our faces and allow us a few good, healthy non-roid inducing craps each day.

Wikipedia goes on to say:

"Those age-positive groups range from advocacy groups such as the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) to purely social clubs like the Red Hat Society." Um, I'm pretty sure I typed in middle aged, 35 and not, middle aged, almost dead. If say, in another 30 years I'm posting about my new cool lady friends from the Red Hat Society, please kill me.

The "Health" section spells out all that I have to look forward to:

1. "Middle-aged adults often show visible signs of aging such as loss of skin elasticity and graying of the hair." Yes and yes. You think you can scare me?

2. "Physical fitness usually wanes, with a 5-10 kg (10-20 lb) accumulation of body fat, reduction in aerobic performance and a decrease in maximal heart rate." I'm guessing that the decrease in max heart rate leads to death. I can get past the death part, but the 10-20 pounds! Of fat! Seriously, no! If I have to take up binging and purging, so help me god I will. Damn you.

3. "Female fertility declines significantly after age 30, and an advanced maternal age increases the risk of a child being born with some disorders such as Down’s Syndrome. Some conditions are also correlated with advanced paternal age. Most women go through the menopause, which ends natural fertility, in their late 40s or 50s."

Now we're talking. Finally, to the benefits. Menopause. Ahhhh. The freedom. No tampons in the purse, no need to swap your cute undies for your grotesque granny pants for fear of ruining said cute undies. No bloating, pain or bitchiness. Count me in, where do I sign?

4. The "Further Info" section list this reference: "Does Age Quash Our Spirit of Adventure?, a segment on NPR's "All Things Considered" on an aging study done by middle-age neuroscientist Robert Sapolsky." Oh NPR....I have loved you for so long. Now you are turning on me, you bastard. I guess I'll have to start listening to Sunny 95.

5. The "See also" section lists: youth, young adult, old age, aging and mid-life crisis. From now on, I am boycotting Wikipedia. You suck slimy dick balls. Old, wrinkly dick balls.

It is now clear to me that Wikipedia, like it's cousins Facebook and YouTube are plots engineered by the youth of today to drive the middle aged crowd insane. While I teeter on the brink of insanity AND death, Ms. Facebook and Mr. Napster are out on their 50 foot yahcts, drinking Cristal with P-Diddy laughing all the way to the bank. At least I hope they pour one out for their middle-aged homies.



Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday! This is one benefit of being the younger sister I will always have!

Dave said...

lolmao, ur funny, u really snd like an old fart, will u b my frend on friendster?

Happy Birthday!

Big Momma said...

Friendster...I think you are onto something here....maybe the next big thing?

Dave said...

Friendster preceded everything. May have been one of the first kiddie social networking sites. It's still running too.

Anonymous said...

See, I'm an idiot! I thought you made up Friendster.

Anonymous said...

you're are not as old as dirt yet...... Yet...

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