I am getting THE SHOCKER and I have to say that I am shocked.

Anyone that has been in my presence for more than an hour will tell you the following:

I am shockingly cute.
And perky.
And I pee a lot.

If they started “Peeing with the Stars,” I would totally dominate. Eventually I would become a judge because I so rule and I promise you that I would go Paula Abdul on their asses. Would you expect any less?

Unfortunately there are no contests or prizes for the most pees in a day. You can trust me on this one; I have searched long and far for them.

A few weeks ago I have my quad-annual physical. Not only do I pee a lot, but I am really lazy. My Doctor recommended that I visit a urologist. We had tried solving my problem several months before by limiting my fluid intake and with drugs, but neither worked.

So today at 3:15, I had the pleasure of visiting a urologist. I should have known while I was filling out the paperwork that I was in trouble. I actually took some notes of the more interesting questions that the paperwork asked me to answer:

Do you need pressure against your vagina to have a bowel movement?

Um, what? Honey, I’m trying to take a shit….I need some help!!!

Do you lose urine without any warning?

Lose urine???? Honey, have you seen my urine? I can’t seem to find it….

Do you ever wet the bed while asleep?

In case you were wondering, my answer was no.

Do you have reduced self-esteem, depression, frustration or nervousness?

Who doesn’t?

Because I pee more than 20 times per day (TMI? If you think this is TMI, trust me, you should stop reading this right the fuck now!), I am in the severe category. They basically start at the top of possibilities and work their way down. There are many things that could be wrong, from an irritated bladder lining, neurological problems or maybe leprechauns may have taken up residence in my bladder. So, the doctor gave me a different drug to try and is having me come back in for a Urodynamic Study.

Sounds interesting. Very scholarly. A study. A dynamic one at that.

So on my way home, I was telling my sister what I had found out. She asked, “What does a Urodynamic study mean? What exactly will they be doing?” I told her what the doctor had told me: stop taking your anti-pee meds 2 days before the procedure and come with a full bladder. Easy peasy!

Then I remember that I was stealthily handed a piece of paper on my way out. I thought maybe this would have the answers and boy did it. Talk about TMI. Here is what it says of the procedure:

And I quote…

First you will be asked to void (can’t they just say pee) on a special commode (how official! I feel like a queen!) where we can measure how fast and how much you urinate. We will then place a catheter (ouchy) into your bladder, and one into your rectum. We will put tiny surface electrodes on either side of your anus. (????)

And it goes on and on…..the torture that is. McCain style.

So I’m wondering now, what does my ass hole have to do with this? Can’t they just leave it alone? Isn’t the pee hole catheter enough? And don’t even get me started with the tiny surface electrodes. ON MY ANUS.

Baby’s got back, but not enough to surrender to anal electrode torture.

I think I’m going to get a second opinion….