To the beat of the rhythm of the night

While I made cookies this afternoon, the Mr. watched "Barry Gordy's the Last Dragon" without even a hint of embarrassment.

I haven't seen this movie since 1985 when it came out in the theatres. I don't remember a damn thing about it other than these few, ultimately useless facts:

1. It tried too hard to be The Karate Kid + Purple Rain. Morris Day and the Time presents, "Mr. Miagi's the Purple Dragon." Oh wee oh wee oh.

2. Prince wasn't in it.

3. Neither was Ralph Macchio.

Now the Mister on the other hand, was quoting lines from the movie. And when the damsel in distress came on the screen, I'm pretty sure I saw him tweaking his own nipples.

For those of you who don't remember, Vanity was the damsel in distress. Here she is, circa 85:

So readers, I'm hoping you can help us settle an argument. I personally feel that Vanity is the poor man's Apollonia. Mr. Big Momma disagrees. If you don't remember Apollonia, she was the damsel in distress in Purple Rain.

So please vote for your favorite damsel in the comments section. Our marriage thanks you.

P.S. Just as an FYI, the internet told me that Vanity was SUPPOSED to play Appollonia in Purple Rain. But please, don't let me influence your vote.

I hope your face falls off

I am a stalker. Seriously. Just ask anyone in my family. If I call you and you don't answer, I will call you until you do. I am charming in that way. Those I do this to (especially the hubby) certainly find it annoying. But I do think that stalkery (yes, I just made that up, wouldn't George W be proud!) is the ultimate form of flattery.

Or at least that is what I keep telling them.

In my constant efforts to mature, I have shifted my stalking efforts. See, I'm a big girl now! I am now a Facebook stalker. What is even more remarkable than this confession is the fact that I DO NOT have a Facebook account. That is where the stalking comes into play.

You see while in Chicago this summer visiting my friend T introduced me to The Facebook. Because I am a stalker, I memorized her username and password. You really can't trust me with anything. But, in my defense, T knows that I have been logging on as her and peeking around. During our weekly calls, we generally do a Facebook recap. There are a few high school friends that usually dominate the conversation. I guess not much has changed.....

I have thought many times about starting my own Facebook account, but I doubt that I ever will. Really, do I want to know what people from high school are up to? Not so much. The people that I want to keep in touch with, I already do. And I really have no desire to spark up a friendship with someone now, that I didn't even speak to in high school.

But what I do want to do is fuck with The Facebook. Understand that when I say want to do, I mean will never do. But I just can't control the evil part of my brain. Now just because I would never violate T's Facebook trust, doesn't mean I don't have a detailed laundry list of exactly what I would do with my own Facebook account.

Once logged into Facebook, you are encouraged to type something. There is a friendly box that states "What are you doing right now?" The something that you type there shows up on the pages of those you are friends with. In case you are not familiar, here are some examples of what people type:

Joe is waiting for his children to fall asleep.
Tammy is glad that tomorrow is Friday.
Billy just finished power washing his dog.

Blah, blah, blah. You get the idea. Here are some of my ideas:

Big Momma just squeezed out a dump in the shape of Mr. Potato Head.

Big Momma got sick of her son whining, so she bound and gagged him and locked him in the closet.

Big Momma is watching gay porn.

Big Momma just drank a case of beer and followed it with a percocet chaser.

Big Momma is hoping that none of her high school classmate fucks contact her here.

And so on, and so on. Oh the fun that I would have.

Another thing that Facebook shows is who you are friends with. For example, Tom and Sue are now friends. This drives me nuts. Who gives a shit, who gives a fuck?

It also can announce events others are attending. "Betty is attending a help me find my G spot seminar on Tuesday." You go girl. Please be sure to tell us when you find it.....

....cuz I'll be anxiously awaiting, while I stalk the pages of Facebook.

Technology. A curse and a blessing all in one neat, stalking package.

Who told him?

Looks like W found out about my Shocker Treatment.....

I'm pretty sure they took this picture in my honor....wishing me the best for my December shock therapy.

Am I the only one counting the days until this moron is no longer prez?

I am getting THE SHOCKER and I have to say that I am shocked.

Anyone that has been in my presence for more than an hour will tell you the following:

I am shockingly cute.
And perky.
And I pee a lot.

If they started “Peeing with the Stars,” I would totally dominate. Eventually I would become a judge because I so rule and I promise you that I would go Paula Abdul on their asses. Would you expect any less?

Unfortunately there are no contests or prizes for the most pees in a day. You can trust me on this one; I have searched long and far for them.

A few weeks ago I have my quad-annual physical. Not only do I pee a lot, but I am really lazy. My Doctor recommended that I visit a urologist. We had tried solving my problem several months before by limiting my fluid intake and with drugs, but neither worked.

So today at 3:15, I had the pleasure of visiting a urologist. I should have known while I was filling out the paperwork that I was in trouble. I actually took some notes of the more interesting questions that the paperwork asked me to answer:

Do you need pressure against your vagina to have a bowel movement?

Um, what? Honey, I’m trying to take a shit….I need some help!!!

Do you lose urine without any warning?

Lose urine???? Honey, have you seen my urine? I can’t seem to find it….

Do you ever wet the bed while asleep?

In case you were wondering, my answer was no.

Do you have reduced self-esteem, depression, frustration or nervousness?

Who doesn’t?

Because I pee more than 20 times per day (TMI? If you think this is TMI, trust me, you should stop reading this right the fuck now!), I am in the severe category. They basically start at the top of possibilities and work their way down. There are many things that could be wrong, from an irritated bladder lining, neurological problems or maybe leprechauns may have taken up residence in my bladder. So, the doctor gave me a different drug to try and is having me come back in for a Urodynamic Study.

Sounds interesting. Very scholarly. A study. A dynamic one at that.

So on my way home, I was telling my sister what I had found out. She asked, “What does a Urodynamic study mean? What exactly will they be doing?” I told her what the doctor had told me: stop taking your anti-pee meds 2 days before the procedure and come with a full bladder. Easy peasy!

Then I remember that I was stealthily handed a piece of paper on my way out. I thought maybe this would have the answers and boy did it. Talk about TMI. Here is what it says of the procedure:

And I quote…

First you will be asked to void (can’t they just say pee) on a special commode (how official! I feel like a queen!) where we can measure how fast and how much you urinate. We will then place a catheter (ouchy) into your bladder, and one into your rectum. We will put tiny surface electrodes on either side of your anus. (????)

And it goes on and on…..the torture that is. McCain style.

So I’m wondering now, what does my ass hole have to do with this? Can’t they just leave it alone? Isn’t the pee hole catheter enough? And don’t even get me started with the tiny surface electrodes. ON MY ANUS.

Baby’s got back, but not enough to surrender to anal electrode torture.

I think I’m going to get a second opinion….

They look like very kinky girrrrls....

...the kind you won't bring home to mutha!

Unless of course, she had just taken out a big life insurance policy in your name.



On Halloween the gang went down to the Short North for the Halloween Highball, where they actually served highballs. I didn't realize that highballs made it out of the 70s. Or maybe this was some weird gay reference that I don't know about. I'll have to ask my best gay.....



....who unfortunately ditched us for bigger (hopefully) and better things. Hey best gay, we did pour one out for you. And I think that C made out with a drag queen in your honor. It was kinda hot....



Anyway, just wanted to throw up a picture that I snapped, which proves that prostitution is alive and well in Cbus. I just wonder how much these two really rake in.....

....hopefully they still have day jobs.

Dem some skanky ass hoes, damn!

He is so damn good, he can ride a bike with no handle bars

Today, along with 60,000 others, I went to see Barack downtown. For those of you who missed it, here is a summary of what he said:

Look at me, look at me hands in the air like it's good to be ALIVE and on top

And "I'm Proud to be an American"

Look at me. Look at me. Just called to say that it's good to be ALIVE, In such a small world

I know how to run a business

And I can make you wanna buy a product

Movers shakers and producers

Me and my friends understand the future

I see the strings that control the systems

I can lead a nation with a microphone

With a microphone

With a microphone

My reach is global

My tower secure

My cause is noble

My power is pure

I can ride my bike with no handlebars

No handlebars

OK, so maybe that's not EXACTLY what he said. I stole these words from a song by the Flowbots. I heard it on my way home and couldn't help but think that this should be Barack's theme song. Anything to get him away from that awful Bruce Springsteen.....

And I'm pretty sure, even though I am very persuasive, that I couldn't get him to agree to use "Baby's Got Back" for his campaign song. Al Gore, maybe. But not Barack.

But I have to tell you that this man can lead a nation with a microphone. I saw it today. In the emotion of the crowd, in the passion seen on their faces. It was quite an amazing experience, one that I won't forget for a long time. The fact that one man brought out people from all walks of life, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, just to hear him speak and lend their support is SUPER DUPER AWESOME.

I just now hope that all of those moved by his speech get out there and vote.

Ho-lloween

Poles and holes.

The exact words my BIL uses to describe Halloween. And I have to say, after visiting several costume stores, he is right.

Halloween is an excuse for men to see holes and women to see poles. Are you picking up what I am putting down? If not, you should leave this site immediately and douse yourself in holy water. Holy water that has been blessed by the pope. Actually, if you stay, you should still probably douse yourself in holy water anyway, just to be safe. I hear it is like chicken soup for the soul. Oprah told me so.

A few weeks ago one of my girlfriends and I went to a Halloween shop, hoping to get inspired. We knew that we were going down to the Short North for the big Halloween partaaaay this year, but at that time, had no idea what our costumes would be. And I'll tell you that neither one of us were divinely inspired. We were shocked at the choices.

Slutty nurse
Slutty witch
Paris Hilton. No adjectives required.
Slutty zombie.
Slutty Freddie Kruger. Don't you know guys did chicks with long nails? I blame Alanis Morissette.
Slutty slut
Slutty Pippy Longstockings
Slutty sorcerer
Sexy kitten


And on and on and on. What would Pope John II think?

So with empty hands we walked out of the store. Neither of us was down with the slutty vibe. Even if we were, neither of us was down for spending $60 on a costume. Everyone knows that slut costumes, because of their lack of fabric, should be at least 30% off.

So what am I going to be for Halloween?

Simple.

Big Momma in a pink wig. That is all I have the energy for. Plus, I've always wanted pink hair, cut into a short bob. And my hole will not be showing. Just in case you were wondering.....

Happy Halloween people! Don't eat too much candy!!!