It's Monday and it's fun: If I was king for just one day.....

This week’s Fun Monday is an interesting one:

If you were ruler for a day/week/month/year (your choice on the time) you would...

And p.s., I’m posting early because I going to be in Florida, starting tomorrow for a work trip. Mr. Big Momma will be home all week, so don’t even consider breaking into my house to steal my stuff. And beside, we have ADT on our side. Ooh and don’t forget to visit the rest of the Fun Monday group at http://blog.mommywizdom.com/. It is after all, Monday…what else do you have to do?

My one simple rule: abolish stupid people. Ever day of every year. I would reign supreme.

In my heart, and per The Ohio State University, I am a geneticist. Charles Darwin is one of my heroes. So much so that I have a C.D. magnet on my fridge. Serious, huh? I don’t joke. For those of you who have been out of the loop for the last 100 or so years, Charles Darwin coined the phrase “natural selection” after doing many years of boring research on pea plants and the like. Not a very exciting man but a brilliant one none the less. Natural selection can be defined as:

“The process by which favorable heritable traits become more common in successive generations of a population of reproducing organisms, and unfavorable heritable traits become less common, due to differential reproduction of genotypes.” Thank you Wikipedia!

For those non-scientists out there, this basically means that as we, uh, get it on, if you know what I mean, the good live and the bad die. I’ve probably made this too simple. But really, it is a simple scientific concept.

I am sure that Darwin would applaud me in how I will use his scientific discovery to make my decision on what I would do if I was large and in charge. Hell, we would probably even get a paper published in “Science.”

To go back to this definition, and to get to the point, we will describe his terms in the following way:

Favorable heritable trait=intelligence

Unfavorable heritable trait=stupidity, or white trash, depending on when you ask me

Population=the world

Differential reproduction of genotypes=you don’t need to know as it won’t be on the quiz

A quick experiment to help you understand…..

Big Momma and Mr. Big Momma, after a wild drunken night at Bob’s Bar come home, tear each other’s clothing off and engage in a wild night of swing from the rafters sex. Because I am a terrible speller and he can’t seem to ever shut a cabinet door, our offspring would fail out of first grade and end up as a divorced adult because his/her lack of cabinet shutting skills would drive his or her spouse to the brink of insanity. Said child would die, thus not be able to reproduce (no swing from the rafters sex for you!) and these terrible traits would not be passed on to inevitably torture future generations. Whew! Assuming these traits did not exist in either of us, said child would be able to splice genes, leap tall building in a single bound (I am an excellent jumper despite having flabby triceps....you wave at me and I'll wave right back!) and build cabinetry that would shut itself. I say that only because Mr. Big Momma is a brilliant architect. Got it? Good.

Based on all of this scientific mambo-jumbo, I am sure you all are asking “why do stupid people continue to exist?” They should, based on Darwin’s ideas, have been weeded out long ago. I can assure you they exist because of alcohol. Drunk people have sex. Reckless sex. Which produces reckless, dumb offspring. Reckless dumb offspring continue to reproduce reckless dumb offspring. And so on and so on. You've seen Cops, right? This is where I come in. In a wave of my hand or a crinkle of my nose, I would wipe out those who swim in the shallow end of the gene pool. As a result we would have a world in which there was no war, no hatred, no credit card debt, and no mullets. No abusive spouses. No idiots talking on their cell phones while driving on the highway. And most imporantly, no flower pots made from old tires. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Welcome to the world of Big Momma. I hope you enjoy your stay.

The man, the myth, the legend, Chuck Darwin. Kinda hot in a nerdy way. I totally dig dudes with mutton chops, hence my infatuation with Elvis. The position of his left hand is a little creepy, don't you think? I wonder what he is hiding....the pea in his pod perhaps?

And his oh so fascinating peas! They look good enough to eat!

Weekend visitor

Auntie Flo came by for a visit this weekend and boy, she is a bitch.

I can't drive.....55.....

.....but he better!

Today I took Jr. to get his temps. We didn't end up getting it because I carried on like such a lunatic mother that I was escorted out of the DMV in handcuffs.

OK, not really. We didn't get it officially because I am an idiot and went to the wrong DMV. Actually Mr. Big Momma was the idiot because he told me which one to go to. Sorry babe! We were able to do all of the paperwork so that they could issue him his temporary license. It doesn't get activated until he passes the test. So here I have a 16 year old, something that looks an awful lot like a drivers license with my kid's picture on it and a husband who can't wait until he drives. I on the other hand, would be content to drive him around for the rest of his life.

And don't worry Columbus, I'll give you the heads up when he is legal!

Who links to me?

Don't believe the hype

Actually, my homies from Public Enemy have it all wrong. Believe the hype. Walk, no RUN to the closest movie theatre. The new Batman movie is wicked awesome. And what they are saying about Heath Ledger is true!

If you are in Columbus, you should definately see this movie at Studio 35. Not only will you be able to scratch off your good deed ov the day by visiting a local business, they have the coldest and best beers in town.

Fun Monday

I am going to try a little something new to shake me into submission this summer. I have decided to participate in Fun Mondays!!! Yippeeee!!!! This is a group of bloggers who comment on the same subject each Monday and then post. And, I’m told it is in fact very FUN. No misnomer here. Plus I thought it would give me the focus I have been lacking and maybe swing a few new readers my way each week. I have read thru some of the posts from the others bloggers and boy, are they a talented bunch. I hope I can meet the bar. Our delightful host can be found at http://irishcoffeehouse.blogspot.com/

Here is the topic: Careers- Then and Now

THEN: As a child day dreaming of what your future would hold for you, what did you want to be when you grew up? Did you ever pursue or achieve it?

NOW: If you could be trained and placed in any career beginning tomorrow, what would it be?

The beauty about a child dreaming of what they will be when they grow up is that anything is possible in that dream. There is no talent, education or motivation involved. It is simply a fantasy. And, there is no one in that fantasy telling the child that she “can’t” do something. It is sad that as adults, we sometimes forget to day dream and tend to believe someone when they tell us we can’t do something.

When I was a child, I grew up dreaming that I would sell college textbooks. OK, not really. I don’t think that anyone ever dreams of being a salesperson. But, sales does suite my personality and my competitive nature. Have any of you ever watched the show Friends? I’m guessing a couple of you have. Mr. Big Momma always refers to me as “Monica” because I am super duper competitive. He also makes fun of me because I frequently say “super duper.” What can I say, once a dork, always a dork. Which leads me to the first part of this challenge. I think like most children, I dreamt of being many things. Doctor by day, dancer, singer, professional tennis player/professional swimmer, college professor, Peace Corp volunteer by night. I have always liked singing, but those who have witnessed my karaoke stylings would tell you (and they are right) that I am a terrible singer. I like to think that what I lack in talent, I make up for in enthusiasm. I remember when the movie “Annie” came out. Tracy, one of my long term childhood friends (she has been, since high school referred to as “The evil Tracy B.”, but that is another story.) and I bought the soundtrack and we would practice our vocals. We dreamed of being picked for the next Broadway running of Annie. One day I bravely stood in front of my mother and let “The sun will come out tomorrow…” rip. If memory serves me correct, she laughed at me. Now don’t go thinking what a bad mother you must have had. My mother was outstanding and always supported what we wanted to do. I think the she laughed because I really thought that the tunage that was coming out of my mouth sounded good. The next Broadway singing sensation I was not. But, I have to brag that my karaoke version of “Baby’s Got Back” always rocks the house. A true crowd pleaser!

Looking back on my childhood, it isn’t really all that surprising that I ended up in sales. I got my first taste of babysitting, and making money when I was 13. After I secured my first regular gig, I literally pimped myself out to our neighborhood. I made fliers touting my skills and hand delivered them to anyone with children. I took babysitting classes and first aid classes in order to expand my business. I remember seeing dollar signs when a new development sprung up next to the one I lived in. If another girl had a regular gig, I would worm my way in and do my best to make the children and their parents NEED me to be their regular babysitter. After all, I was the best. I needed to be the best. If there was a fundraiser at school or Girl Scouts (mmmm, Thin Mints), I ran home from school, changed out of my uniform and immediately hit the pavement to peddle my goods. It was key for me to beat the other kids to our customers. I frequently fantasized about being the Top Seller. Not much has changed in all of these years.

The two things that I never dreamed about becoming were a wife and a mother. Thankfully for me, both happened. The kid kinda just happened. And not in the way you might first think. No random sex and broken condoms here! I didn’t go the traditional route to have children. Ten years ago, I married a man who already had a child. I haven’t looked back since. Sometimes you get what you need, without knowing that you needed it in the first place.

Now to the fun part. If I could choose any profession and practice it tomorrow, what would it be? I have to give you two answers: the fantasy one and the one that could actually happen. My fantasy job would be as a Formula One driver. F1 is the ultimate in motor racing. Fastest cars, biggest budgets, unbelievable strategy, cutting edge technology. Hands down. If you are a fan of other motor sports but not F1, then you are missing out. NASCAR is a hillbilly sport; F1 is the sport of the elite. I would make so much money as a driver that upon my retirement, I would buy my own team. Aaah….Big Momma racing. Kinda got a nice ring to it, don’t ya think? I would not just manage the team, but I would also serve as the team’s test driver AND technical director. Because I would be a F1 great, Mr. Big Momma and I would live next door to Michael Schumacher, the greatest F1 driver in the history of the sport. We would play tennis together, our families would vacation together and we would share witty stories about what to do with all of our coin and how to avoid paying taxes.

My dream job that will happen? I would like to return to teaching. As a Grad Student, I taught Biology at Ohio State for a number of years. I love sharing my knowledge with moldable minds. It is a huge rush to be able to get a student excited about Biology, especially when they are taking it as a non-major. I could teach now, but it just doesn’t pay the bills. See I have a Master’s Degree and a Ph, just not the D. Yes, I am a Ph.D. drop out. It is much more fun to admit if you sing it to the tune of “Beauty School Drop Out,” off the Grease soundtrack, thank you very much. Without the D, life around the Big Momma house would be more difficult. Master’s level teaching gigspay shit. While we do not have an extravagant lifestyle, we are happy with what we have going. One of the reasons that I made a career change to publishing was because us book reps don’t have much to do in the summer. This frees up my summer months and allows me to adjunct. However, my adjuncting dreams are on hold, at least until Jr. is out of the house. It is too much fun getting to pal around with him during the summer.

So, my message to you is to keep on dreaming! Not only is it a fun pastime, but you might be surprised to find that dreams really do come true.

I believe in the beat.

Life right now couldn't be any better. Yesterday, I secured an adoption at Ohio State that I have been working on all year. It is the largest Chemistry adoption in the country. Fame and fortune are right around the corner. I'm sooo on my way to a corner office with a secretary sitting outside of it, waiting for things to type, or do whatever secretaries do these days. My company will be throwing money at me, buying me six thousand dollar shower curtains, houses in Europe, private planes people! Right now, you should take a moment to realize how greatful you are that you know me. That you will be able to say "I knew her when." Anyway, imagine my surprise when I roll out of the bed this morning, turn on the TV and see Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo on my set! I almost panicked thinking, who am I going to call first? This is big news!!! Then I realized that everyone (meaning 2 people) who would want to watch it was already at work. My sister and I watched this movie over and over when we were kids. I think we even brought out the cardboard and tried to work our breakin moves. I love this movie because it has it all....rich girl/poor guy, good gang/bad gang, kids fighting to keep their community center, montages (something modern day movies need more of), break dancing. There is even a mini Michael Jackson. Oooh, and I almost forgot, it even has Ice-T!!! And when Boogaloo Shrimp and Shabba-Do start groovin, watch out! You can't hear me right now, but even though the movie is over, I am squealing like a schoolgirl. My nipples are even hard. OK, too much info, right? So right at this moment, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Remind me to buy a lottery ticket today......

Lost in emotion

I have had many the random thought in my head all week. I wish I would have been more diligent and posted them, individually. But, I am a loser and lazy, so you get bullets. Long bullets, so sorry.

*Racism. Not something I think about every day. Probably because I am not a racist. However, yesterday, I went on a home tour, via boat with Mr. Racism himself. Unfortunately he is one of my family members. I wish I could say he is one thru marriage, but oh well. The boat tour was a fund raising event in Portage Lakes, Ohio. My Dad has a sweet pad there. Total chick magnet pad, yet he still remains with the same old lady. Hmmm. Another post. Anyway, on the boat with Dad, the old lady and several family members. One family member, who I'll refer to as Dick Weed, dropped the N word about 15 times. Last time I checked it was 2008. Totally inappropriate. But what do I know? I am just educated via one of the best institutions in the country. After the boat tour I drove with my father to meet Dick Weed and Mrs. Dick Weed. I told my father on the way that I hoped he would stop being such a racist pig. My Dad said, "Ooh Mrs. Big Momma, he isn't completely racist. You don't understand his generation." Point one: No, I don't understand his generation. Thankfully. Dirt is probably the only thing that would understand HIS generation. Point two: You either are racist or you aren't. There are no shades of gray when it comes to this issue. Thank you, I feel better already.

*If you are old enough to be a married woman, then you should be old enough not to wear a tennis skirt that 1. is too short (read: shows your butt cheeks) and 2. says "animal" on the ass. Every Tuesday night I participate in a competitive tennis league. It is in the rule book that after a match, you must go to O'Reilly's and have beers. Because we all are rule followers as most of us were raised Catholic, we go every week. I can assure you that the free pitchers of beer have nothing to do with it. This Tuesday we had more drinkers than normal. Every guy brought up "the animal", and I swear almost every guy was shocked by this. I believe this to be true because I'm sure none of them would have wanted their wife in such shocking attire. I also believe thought, that all of the men enjoyed her display and will be waiting to see what she wears next week. I can promise you that I will NEVER have my butt cheeks exposed or have animal printed on my ass. Wide load, maybe, but never animal. Maybe I am just jealous.

*I had lunch with one of my favorite Professors on Tuesday. I was telling him about Jr.'s dating situation. He actually asked me if I was jealous of her. No longer a favorite professor.

*Speaking of Professors, I was telling one (after being asked) about my educational background. Masters Degree, Ph.D. drop out. I was essentially classified as an "ABD," all but dissertation. He told me that he understood why I left because women have no business being professors. Jack ass.

*I have admittedly been listening to garbage music lately. Light rock. Gross, huh? Jason Mraz, Harry Connick, etc. Thankfully I have one cool friend, J, who lives in London. This girl could be a DJ, not because of my love of her choices, but because of other's love of her choices. I admit that I am not cool. My blog title really should be "Total Fucking Loser", "Farfigloser." For several years, she has provided her friends with her CD series, I Kiss You. I just received IKY 8 &9. There is a song on IKY 8 by Just Jack. One of the lines has provided me with a bit of confusion. It is: "You used to feel satisfied, now you feel like Mick Jagger....Jagger...Jagger....Jagger. What the fuck? No idea what this means. Mick is still famous, and rich, at least the last time I checked. I'm sure he has no problem getting laid every night. With that being said, how can he feel unsatisfied? He did sing "Satisfaction," but still. Ahhh, OK, I get it now. Duh!

*Back to Dick Weed and no common ground. He actually called someone a DP. Any ideas on what he meant? Actually, I'd rather not know. Scratch that thought.

*Is anyone still reading this blog?

*Out of the loop. At the end of last summer, I had a decent amount of viewers of this blog. I know that I didn't consistently post this Fall/Winter, and it is totally my fault for decreased viewership (is that a word?). Seriously, if you don't frequently post, you lose your voice. I hope that I can get mine back. I promise to do better. I need to do better.

*I have had serious problems keeping myself hydrated this summer, especially over the last few weeks. I get plenty of workout action in the summer. I have been drinking so much water that I am peeing every 15 minutes and can't sleep thru the night. Is this just something that happens as you get older? Input greatly appreciated. And please don't tell me about Depends. I have been thinking about trying them for years. Sad but true. Maybe I will for blog for reporting purposes only. Public service, if you will.

*Title of this post is from a Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam song. If you know the song I am referring to, you are total douche bag, just like me. It does give me great amusement to know that Mr. Big Momma was crushing on Lisa Lisa in the 80s. I think he even sent her a love letter. Thankfully for me, she never replied. Oh Mr. BM, the life that you could have lead! How ironic that your first wife was a Lisa???

*Am I crazy because I watch "Flipping Out" on Bravo? He is a psycho, but my OCD brain can somewhat relate. Call my shrink, please!

*Am I fucked up because I would love to be a part of a "Cult Jam?"

*Jr. told Mr. Big Momma that Baby Momma told him, and I quote, "I love you but you make it hard for me to like you." How anyone cannot like this kid is beyond me.

*Speaking of Baby Momma, she called Mr. Big Momma to say that the clothes we attire him in are "not appropriate for her lifestyle." Maybe because we actually BUY him clothes? She wanted to come over today and take back all of "her clothes." I was paranoid all day that I would find her knocking on my door. Thankfully, I have 911 on speed-dial!

*Anyone missin on Friday trivia?